A Whole Lot of Underwear

May 24, 2017.Reading time 4 minutes.

What is the genesis of underwear? When did this start? Sure, if you happen to be wearing a suit of armor, I understand the need of a layer of clothing to protect the skin from chaffing. But besides the knight, who needed it? And why is it considered a mandatory article of clothing today?

I’ve been having a little trouble sleeping lately and it is amazing the questions plague the mind at 2 am. Fortunately, I haven’t hit the Home Shopping Channel phase where mystery packages begin showing up at the door, but the history of my internet browser weaves a strange and remarkable story. While I can’t tell you when or why underwear came about, I can brief you as to why I got on a kick about it.

My credit card got stolen.

It’s happened to us all. Random charges appear on the bill or we get a phone call from the issuer. The last time it happened to me the trail was obvious – gas a mile from where it was stolen, a few biscuits at the drive-through window next door, and then a major charge attempt two miles north at Home Depot – who denied it. The thief made it about three miles testing the card before it became worthless.

In this case, the card got stolen digitally and I am guessing they didn’t have the super-secret three-digit code on the back. Rather than test the card with some minor purchases, this guy went for broke with a charge of $434.42 at Hanes.com. And after I dealt with customer service, I chuckled and wondered what that kind of purchase would be.

I perused Hanes.com and it turns out that crook must have needed an entire undergarment makeover because you can get a whole lot of underwear for $434.42!

But then, since it is 2 am, the mind drifts into wondering all kinds of things about $434.42 worth of underwear. What would the shipping cost? Would that be assorted colors? What that might have gotten you 100 years ago?

So you find underwear advertisements throughout time like this:

Or this (my wife is looking into BVD’s if they will improve my dance style)

And what the heck are they selling here?

You could even have helped the Army out and gotten 789 surplus drawers!

Oh, the 70’s were such a confusing time.

I didn’t prove anything, but got sleepy and went to bed. As I lay there, part of me felt sorry for the crook with the empty drawers drawer while mine is full. Tomorrow he would have to wake up and put on stretched out, saggy drawers that in no way would help him dance, wrestle, or pose jauntily. Poor dude.

But I know myself. And I know that I would give a fellow human in need the drawers off my backside. So I stopped feeling bad for him. Maybe if he asked, or better yet got a job instead of stealing my credit card, he too, could enjoy the freedom of a fresh, clean pair of drawers.

A Counterintuitive Confluence of Cars

May 17, 2017.Reading time 4 minutes.

If you’ve lived in Atlanta long enough, you’ve sat on its maze of underdeveloped highways with thousands of your closest friends. Traffic here is a nightmare and it is only getting worse because people keep coming.

Recently, we had a situation that brought the city to its knees: part of the interstate burned down. How does a road burn? Concrete, steel, asphalt… gone. Luckily, no-one was hurt.

Without video or evidence of any kind, authorities somehow managed to arrest the culprit almost immediately. I am not typically a conspiracy theorist, but it all seems to neat and easy if you ask me. A homeless man decides to burn all his worldly goods while strolling next to an underpass storage facility containing heaps of what turned out to be highly flammable PVC pipe (prompting the DOT to clean out every other underpass in the city.)

Hmmmmmmm. I’m not buying it.

Regardless of my doubts, I-85 was shut down. I don’t have to negotiate that interstate to get to work. However, everything headed in from the north was affected as people rerouted around it. The mayor (as if an agent of Quicktrip) told the citizens to make sure their gas tanks were full before heading to work and there was fear and panic in the Peach state as if there were an impending snowstorm.

You know what happened?

So worried were the people that they changed their schedules. They telecommuted. They took mass transit. They worked flex hours. It was unbelievable. What was predicted as a cataclysmic assault of cars became day after day of Friday-like traffic for me. It was heaven!

And I got spoiled.

Meanwhile, the city offered its contractors a seven-figure bonus to finish early and they did. I assumed that would mean even less traffic for me. I was wrong. Everyone came back en masse and there I sat… stop and go on 400… staring at rows of red lights braking the hallelujah chorus in morse code.

A Counterintuitive Confluence of Cars!

I flicked on Google Maps but it laughed at me and flicked itself off.

So I tried Waze. My boss uses it all the time, but I never have. I like how it speaks soothingly to you as it tells you how screwed you are. I also found out that you can become a Waze Warrior, Royalty, or even a Waze Ninja by reporting accidents, stalls, police, and other traffic issues. As you make these reports, you gain credibility until you are given rank. I have always wanted to be a ninja! So now I have a goal.

But I know myself and I know I won’t stick to it; so I found another option. Not only can you report helpful stuff, you can report Roadkill. I’ve reported roadkill for days now. It might be a heap of trash, but it looked like a possum as I sped past – which is laughable in this traffic.