Does This Blog Make My Butt Look Big?

You can tell a great deal about a blogger by recurring themes in their writing. Obviously, Kylie is my most recurringest topic – followed closely by fabricated words and coffee. I’m not really a coffee snob, but I like my coffee bold and black. No frilly creams or flavors for me.

One of my favorite things to do is sit in a Starbucks and watch grown men order a Frappuccino like a giggly teenager.

“I’ll have a half-caf frap with soy, an extra shot, caramel drizzle, one-pump, no-whip…”


Don’t even get me started on macchiato, whatever that is.

I like to pound on the bar like a caveman and grunt, “Dark coffee!”

When they ask what size I give crazy eyes and hold my hands as wide apart as possible because it hurts to even say vinte…

A barista once she informed me that I could use their code by saying, “vinte bold, no air.”

Sorry cupcake, I’m a man.

All of this leads me to this morning when I realized I had run out of coffee.

Dear God, No!

A look out of the window to make sure a zombie apocalypse hadn’t happened overnight. A quick bed check told me that my wife and children were still here so the rapture hadn’t left me alone (I figure they are shoe-ins and I’m 50/50).

Oh, the horror!

But wait, I found a sample package of something called French Vanilla Almond Roast. Looks like coffee. Smells kinda like coffee. Most importantly, it is all we’ve got at 5 am.

So I brewed a pot. After two cups, I’m worried. First, I don’t like it one bit. It isn’t near bitter or harsh enough for my taste. With the vanilla flavor it resembles the taste of a stale cookie.

More importantly, I think I’m changing. I feel my masculinity being stripped away from me one swig at a time. I found myself discontent with my earthenware mug because it just isn’t pretty. I am usually very mellow in the morning, but I rolled between angry and weepy as I recounted each and every conversation I had yesterday and wondered what they truly meant by what they said.

SHIFT – Think man thoughts!

I began reading an article about my beloved Atlanta Falcons just to bring myself back. Focus on my big questions: Will they have a rushing attack? Will they be able to get pressure on the quarterback this year?

I can’t focus! I really just wanted to know if my butt looks big in these shorts, which is impossible to answer sitting down.

Am I experiencing some form of PMS or might I be ovulating?

This is madness! I quit turning circles in front of the mirror, dumped the rest of the coffee in the sink and committed to buying twenty bags of dark roast as soon as the store opened.

As God as my witness, I will never let this happen again.

And by the way, I wore the longest t-shirt I own to the store because my butt did kinda look big in those shorts…

20 thoughts on “Does This Blog Make My Butt Look Big?

  1. I realized I had run out of coffee.

    Dear God, No!

    Had the same thing happen during a blizzard last year; no going to town, and like you I found a sample pack of French Vanilla Almond Roast. But instead of placing my manhood in jeopardy, I went out to the garage for a bucket of Seal Coat. Tasted just about right.

  2. You make me laugh, Mark Myers! So glad there are still macho men like you, and my husband, out there! Black coffee…all the way! As for me, venti decaf Americano, extra shot of expresso, caf, 2 shots of vanilla, leave room for 2% milk. I can never remember how the barista at Starbucks wants me to say it, so I stumble through every time. And, then I tell them to name it “Sherry”…that would make it much easier for me!

  3. Made me laugh out loud this morning! You’ve got to have a back up stash but then remember where you put it when the caffeine free crisis occurs! Not so sure about our Falcons though…

  4. I love reading your blog and am greatly looking forward to hearing you at CureFest in DC next weekend! Hopefully, they’ll have your room well stocked with coffee!

  5. LOVE this Mark. Seriously made me laugh. My brother is just like you. He’s like, ‘Just give me a large black coffee.” None of this fluff stuff. Hahaha.
    Oh, and I believe you once told me that you do have a bigger butt. I believe it was in response to my post I did wayyyyyy back when.
    Hope you’re well. I imagine you’re much better after getting a regular cup of coffee.

  6. Mark, I have enjoyed your blog. I guess I must be a caveman also, because I need my coffee bold and black. You have an amazing gift, a way with words. I have wanted to write you and Robin many times and ashamed of myself that I have not. I had my yellow picked out for Kylie’ s service but Carl was again in so much pain and I stay Sith him when he is really having a hard time. We may never know why God took Kylie so soon, and silenced Carl when he also had a way with words and talked to many about Jesus and salvation. I cannot know what your family has been through but I do know what it is like to lose the life we thought we would have for many years to come. I think of y’all every day. Sherry

  7. Oh yeah baby! Love me some coffee. I can always count on you Mark for a lift me up. Thanks for the neutral walls and posters of John Wayne. I wear my shirt out and jeans and boots and clean my truck out once a year if I can’t get in it.

    Much love Tom

  8. so funny! I kinda wish I could drink straight coffee but like my mom I have quite the crazy order at Starbucks. I so enjoy reading this! it made me laugh 🙂

  9. Hilarious! That must be what is wrong with me, thinking, analyzing,worrying – I am drinking the wrong coffee. Rather, it is a little coffee with my cream and 1 raw sugar. Heard you are speaking at CUREFEST. I inquired about the time. Would be so happy to hear what you say. You will find lots of strong coffee in DC. STARBUCKS on almost every block. Margy

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