My wife sat at her laptop furiously compiling the lists for our four girls. She checked it once, then again while travelling to website after website scouring the internet for the best price and delivery. Items were added to baskets and carts checked out at such a frantic pace that I literally felt a warmth emanate from the credit card in my back pocket. Shopping at a fever pitch – Christmas delivered in two days or less. Not like most years, where she disappears for hours on end to find the perfect gift at the mall. She doesn’t have time for that this year because we got cancer for Christmas.
We d
idn’t ask for it. It wasn’t circled in the wishbook or written in red crayon. No one sat on Santa’s lap and begged for it. No, cancer just showed up unannounced and took our year away.
So rather than spending quality time with each of the girls to weigh their enormous wants against our limited budget as in years past, she spent Saturday morning hunting and pecking under great duress. Do they have the right size? Will it be delivered on time? Is that really something she will use or should we just give her cash?
At some point during the madness, I asked her what she wanted for Christmas. She paused to consider. Her eyes got red and her mouth failed her. She didn’t answer, but I knew. I knew what she wanted the second I asked the question and Amazon.com can’t deliver it, even though we are Prime members. It is the only thing either of us want.
We want our baby to stop hurting.
We want her to stop having to face treatments that make her sick and waste away.
We want her legs to work.
We want her to be able to go to school… to run, skip and play like every normal 12 year-old girl should.
We want her to stop coughing.
We want her hair to grow back so people don’t stare at her.
We want normal family time – not garbled, anxiety-laden, jumbled hodge-podge comings and goings where one is sick or two are missing for yet another appointment.
We want to relax and not worry.
We want to give cancer back.
I’ll take one of those please, Santa. Any size will do. No need to wrap it up because if you deliver it, the paper won’t last long. Oh, and you can ditch the receipt, I won’t be returning that gift.
I know many people are dealing with heartbreak and struggles. While Christmas is a season of love and giving, it also seems to magnify pain and loss. We don’t have the market cornered on hurt. I realize that.
It’s just that my wife loves Christmas so much. She loves everything about it, from finding the perfect, fattest tree to decorating every square inch of the house in some form of red and green. She loves the sound of the carols (save “Feliz Navidad”) and the smell of the baking, even though she is the one wearing an apron. She loves that, for the briefest of moments, the world focuses on the birth of our Savior. She loves taking a drive to see lights on houses and staying home with hot chocolate around a fire. She loves spending time with family, watching It’s a Wonderful Life, reading the nativity story, and candlelight Christmas Eve services. She loves the mad dash on Christmas morning to see what Santa brought… the joy and wonder on our children’s faces. She loves it all.
How do we do it this year?
Should we skip it?
Or should we cherish every moment together as the babe in the manger intended us to? Maybe, instead of focusing on what we’ve lost, we should hold on to the fragile remains of what we have – love, family, friends, and a newfound respect for the precious thing that is life. We should cling to our little girl, who, though frail, is fighting hard and encouraging others to do the same.
We aren’t alone. During the year, we’ve been welcomed into the country club no one wants to join – the childhood cancer community. While we are bound together by common tragedy, it is the warmest, most caring and wonderfully supportive group imaginable. It is the fraternity I wish I’d never pledged. Many of our new brothers and sisters are dealing with such incredible loss, and this time of year must certainly be crippling.
♦
When referring to the promised coming of the child in the manger, Isaiah said, “…and a little child shall lead them.”
What if we took a cue from our little child?
Although she is the one feeling the pain, nausea, and side effects of cancer, she is also the one most excited about Christmas. Even though she only had the strength to stand long enough to put a single ornament on the tree, she admires the finished product and loves to be in the den where she can see it. She is the one who insisted on taking decorations out of town with her while she has to be gone for treatment. She is the one snuggling her elves, dreaming about Christmas morning, and soaking up every minute of the nearness of family and Christ at this time of year. She holds a compress on an aching jaw with one hand and draws up surprises for those most dear with the other. In a year of typically rapid growth for a child her age, she weighs 75% of what she did last Christmas, yet she samples whatever treats her nervous stomach will allow. While we fret over diagnosis and treatment, she savors joy, plucks smiles from pain, and builds a resume of contentment that few on this earth have ever seen. Perhaps she has it right and we have it all wrong.
Instead of looking to health and prosperity for our happiness, what if, just for a moment, we set aside our problems – however overwhelming, and looked to the manger, toward a child – with gratitude for his coming and a longing for his return? What if we laughed in the face of the enemy, knowing that we are wonderfully cared for and uniquely loved? What if we hoped, even when victory was uncertain? What if we dreamed of a better tomorrow regardless of what it may hold?
What if we smiled more…
♦
This joyous Christmas, our family holds on to hope. Together, we look to the manger, to Jesus Christ our Lord for strength and healing. We dream of the day when there is a cure – for our child & every child. We pray that next year, not a single family will have to unwrap cancer for Christmas.
A Generous Helping 
A beautiful smiling face from which we have so much to learn. Children teach us so much! May all the joy of Christmas and family time fill your hearts and may every memory you make carry your hearts. People around the world care. We are all connected; therefore my family that I simply haven’t met, may peace and love fill every single second. Belinda
Thank you Belinda. People do care, you are so right. There is so much good in the world, and I’ve seen it this year. I hate the reason I have seen it, but so many strangers have been an encouragement to us, it is unreal sometimes. Blessings to you.
There is good, everywhere we turn! Blessings to you. I hold your family in my thoughts and prayers.
This left me breathless. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you and your family will have a very merry Christmas this year, despite it all. It must be tough on you, but I believe God will grant you the strength to get through it. 🙂
We intend to! Thank you and a Merry Christmas to you as well.
And we are all behind your daughter, you and your family, Mike. It may not seem like much but we do what we can. We meet in parks, church basements ,Legion halls, VFW’s and community rooms. We gather for walks, runs, silent auctions and rubber chicken diners. We do it to lend our support, to say what is often beyond words – to just be there.
It is huge. I have never felt support like this in my life. I know you give it when needed in Minnesota! It’s kind of like being George Bailey, I just wish the circumstances were different.
Mark you are a gifted writer. I hope you use that gift to share your story–Kylie’s story–with the world. You know how much I read…so when I say this it REALLY means something. Your writing is better than 3/4 of what I’ve read this year. Books that had a team of editors and authors to work on them! I encourage you to keep writing. I know I will be anxiously waiting to read what you have to offer!
That means so much to me Elizabeth. I would give all of this back in a second… But Kylie’s story is amazing and I’m proud to be a little part of it.
I’ve been following Kylie’s story since I saw her smile on Facebook. I love her spirit and her determination to fight this ugly disease. I hope you get to enjoy this holiday season. I feel the same way about Christmas as your wife and when we lost our son at age 9 it was hard to get that back but in the end our loved ones that are no longer with us would want us to carry on and still enjoy life. We put that same verse on our son’s headstone. It’s been 15 years since we lost our son but I still miss him but I know he is with us everyday in a different way and we try to enjoy life every minute because that is what he would have wanted. I say take Kylie’s lead and enjoy the season. Wishing you and your family the very best and hoping for great things in the new year.
Thank you for your kind words. I am truly sorry for your loss – his time of year must be especially hard. I pray you find peace and joy.
Mark, this is a touching story and you have shared with your readers what most will never experience with a child. The whole family is greatly effected. May God give you the peace that only He can give. Im thankful He has led you to the community for support and felliwship as well. Have a blessed Christmas!!!
Thank you Levi. I pray yours is blessed as well.
Thanks Mark.
mark, this is so beautiful, just as your daughter is, inside and out. you are so right on with this one, and she has a kindness and understanding way beyond her years, hers is the example to follow. here’s wishing you and your family and every other one receive good news this year.
Thank you, Beth. I hope yours is great and you get to see your little ones!
You brought tears to my eyes. I cannot begin to imagine how you all feel but as I mom I can understand wanting my baby to not be sick. Your baby girl is precious and I pray that you all have a blessed Christmas. Hugs to you all.
Thank you. Good day so far in treatment. Looking forward to Christmas Eve and their return.
We “got” cancer for Christmas in 2011, happily I can report that as of May my now 7 yr old son is NED! It’s not considered remission but I’ll take it!
What a blessing. I will take it too! Merry Christmas.
This is our second Christmas with cancer. Our daughter is 6. While the logistics of Christmas are difficult when half the family is at home and half in a hospital room, I can say that we are with you in embracing the joy of the season. Our hope and joy are linked so profoundly to that child in the manger – the one who came to heal the brokenhearted and to bind up their wounds. Thank you for your beautiful words, and Merry Christmas to you and your family!
Thank you. Here’s to both of us giving it back in 2015 and celebrating next Christmas without it.
What a beautiful and honest and heartfelt post. Crying and praying for you and your sweet child, for healing and peace this new year.
Thank you. We will have a good Christmas in spite of! She is amazing…
I Can So Relate To So Much Of Your Story!! We Got Lupus, Juv. Rheumatoid Arthritis & Chemo For Christmas…My Teenage Son Is The One Who Was Given These Gifts That We Would Like To Return. But We Put Smiles On Our Faces, And Take A Deep Breath…And Keep On Trudging The Path To Happy Destiny.
Hoping And Praying that Kylie Gets Her Complete Healing (On This Side Of Heaven) For Christmas!! That Is My Christmas Wish For Kylie, And Your Beautiful Family 🙂
May You ALL Have A Beautiful AMAZING Christmas!
Thank you. That is my wish as well, for Kylie and your son. Merry Christmas.
God’s Richest Blessings To You And Yours Mark!! You Have No Clue How Your Daughter Kylie’s FB Page, And Especially Your Blog…Has Touched My Son Stephen’s Life, And Mine As Well!! I Have Never EVER Seen My Son So Taken By A Blog Before…I Am So Glad It Is A Family Friendly Wholesome Blog For Him To Read!! 🙂 My Heart Is So Touched By You! 🙂
Kylie…We Wish For You To Have A Happy,Joyous, And Pain Free Christmas…And Lots Of Love And Laughter And Time Well Spent Making Memories With Your Beautiful Family 🙂
God’s Richest Blessings To You And Yours Mark!! You Have No Clue How Your Daughter Kylie’s FB Page, And Especially Your Blog…Has Touched My Son Stephen’s Life, And Mine As Well!! I Have Never EVER Seen My Son So Taken By A Blog Before…I Am So Glad It Is A Family Friendly Wholesome Blog For Him To Read!! 🙂 My Heart Is So Touched By You! 🙂
This is beautiful Mark. I pray for God’s richest blessings and His overwhelming peace to be with you, Kylie and all your family this Christmas.
🙂
p.s. My friend’s son was just diagnosed with cancer and he is undergoing treatment. I’m going to send the link to this post to her. She’s going to love it. I know it.
Oh, I’m sorry for your friend. There are wins, make sure she knows that. All the richest blessings to you Staci. Merry Christmas.
Thanks Mark. I sent the link to her and she read it. She told me she cried. Actually, this is her response:
“Thanks, Staci… I cried… that’s is so true. My prayer over this family is that their hope is the same hope we have and that their prognosis is so good as ours! Much love and blessings!”
Hope y’all had a nice Christmas.
🙂
This was such a touching post. I wish you and your family a 2015 filled with peace, harmony and love…always love. 🙂
Thank you. We intend to reclaim 2015!