Immigration Reform

February 15, 2017.Reading time 4 minutes.

I am not meant or designed to take on weighty issues. I look at the problems of today and see that there are often no good answers and it makes me glad I’m not in charge. Immigration reform is one such conundrum. On the one hand, if we stop immigration, we cease to be the great melting pot our forefathers intended and refugees aren’t given the assistance they need to survive. On the other, we have to ensure the safety of our country by making sure we don’t let bad guys in. It’s a real problem.

I liken it to Italian food. At some point in my adult life, I realized I had developed an aversion to garlic. It took some trial and error, but we identified garlic as the culprit after dinner at a cheap Italian place one night. You know the kind – not quite good enough to have authentic flavor so they drown everything in garlic. My malady became quite evident when I yelled for the check and ran awkwardly out the door.

Garlic doesn’t make me break out in hives or give me breathing issues – it’s more of an internal combustion problem. Lovely, yeah. But that is precisely why it reminds me of immigration reform – a real $&*!-storm.

Over the years, the Italian assault on me seems to have greatly lessened. I might have a bad reaction to maybe 1 in every 5 meals or so and we never know when it will happen. It seems to be completely random – my vetting process doesn’t seem to prevent the occasional bad Italian from getting through. This situation with garlic has literally become a crapshoot. I pick up a piece of garlic bread and laugh maniacally as my family shudders in fear.

But here’s the rub – I love Italian food. My life would be poorer if I completely cut pastas and rich sauces out of it. I, however, am the gatekeeper and this is an awesome responsibility. I am the one making policy decisions in regards to my Italian intake. I am the government and the people, my family, sometimes pays for my granting asylum to the bad Italian who somehow bypasses the systematic checks and balances. They would advocate building a wall.

So you see, there is no good answer.

In the end, as a country with great resource, I think we have to err on the side of compassion – whether we help people get here or help them survive where they are, I believe we must help. This stamp of complete geographical exclusion seems wrong to me.

But who am I? I’m just another guy airing out factless opinion on the internet. I am fake news. I’m one fart joke away from being Bevis and Butthead.

I do like Italian food, though. And if it means an uncomfortable night on the couch, so be it.

Tom Brady, By Gawd

February 1, 2017.Reading time 3 minutes.

For the average fan, it isn’t often when your team makes it to the Super Bowl. There are exceptions, of course, but most of us don’t see our team there every year. I painfully remember the Falcons last trip. We were a huge underdog to the Denver Broncos and true to predictions, got steamrolled.

I went into that game with just a tiny sliver of hope, but this year feels different. This Falcons team is a good one – the best offense in the league and an emerging, hard-hitting defense. We aren’t the favorite, but it wouldn’t shock the sports world if we won. Unless you live in Boston. Because to the blowhards up there, we are a bunch of backwards yocals who can’t tie our shoes and there… well there, they have Tom Brady, by Gawd.

Listen to the wind and you’ll hear the Northeastern arrogance flowing like vintage 1773 tea!

To hear Patriots fans tell it, our lowly team has no business disgracing the Super Bowl. We don’t have the tradition necessary to get this far. The Falcons and our miserable history are just cobblestones for their illustrious tradition to trounce on. To listen to them, the Falcons shouldn’t even bother making the trip to Houston. Why would we even try against Tom Brady, by Gawd? Just read this tripe from a Brady jock-sniffer from the Boston Globe.

After the way Roger Goodell tried to interfere, it’s personal this year for Tom Brady – and Tom Brady gets what he wants, by Gawd. Soon we will be seeing clever new clips of adoring fans Matt Damon and Ben Aflack acting gobsmacked, like we don’t know they have Brady on speed dial.

And truth be told, we envy your recent prosperity. The run Belichek and Brady have been on is unprecedented. But lest you forget, this success could be Cleveland’s had they not had an itchy trigger finger. Not to take anything away from the last decade, but

the Patriots were irrelevant in the NFL until this confluence of coach and quarterback.

You were, in short… us.

You ran through coaches, tallied losing seasons (even a 1-15 season you’ve likely forgotten), and got blown out in the Super Bowl. Remember Da Bears? You will be irrelevant again and the rest of the country will be happy to not have to listen to your arrogant gawd-awful butchering of the English language.

When that happens, you will be crying in your Sam Adams and screaming, “Tom Brady, by Gawd” to anyone who will listen.

Only no one will.

Rise Up Falcons! Please let this be the beginning of the end of northern aggression.

Go Falcons!