Back off, ladies… He’s taken

March 2, 2016.Reading time 5 minutes.

Whenever my second grade teacher, Mrs. Kleinstuber wrote on the chalkboard, the loose flesh of her arms flopped around so violently that the children gasped in fear. I started a little gambling circuit and took action on whether she was going to be the first person to be knocked cold by her own arm flab. It never happened, but it would have been monumental.

Also monumental is the day you see your own arm flab flopping when it shouldn’t. Since the past few years haven’t been conducive to maintaining a gym regimen, all of the weights I had lifted revolted and tacked themselves to the back of my arms as very soft tissue. So I started lifting again. The weights are lighter now, but after a couple of months my arms stopped their disgusting jiggle dance. I’ve lost about ten pounds and am getting ready for Speedo weather (although my daughters maintain there is no proper climate for that). Read More

Crayon-colored Cards

February 16, 2016.Reading time 5 minutes.

I hate greeting cards. As a boy I considered them merely speed bumps to the present. I never cared what Aunt Eunice had to say and could barely read her loopy cursive anyway. But mom made me read them, or at least look at them long enough to give the impression that I was reading when I was actually planning my assault on the wrapping paper. I know this won’t be popular at the Hallmark store but I think store-bought greeting cards are contributing to the death of the American family as much as Snapchat, emojis, and TV at dinnertime. No matter what the pre-printed writing actually says, what it really means is, “I didn’t have time to think about you so I spent $3.99 instead.”