My Street

I live on a humble street.

Many years ago, a man bought some acreage in the middle of nowhere. I would come to know him as a man with a beautiful, dark-haired daughter who initially wanted nothing to do with me. But with persistence, I wore her down and the man became my father-in-law.

True story: I remember driving back to civilization after a date one late night thinking there had to be a girl who lived closer. There were no restaurants, gas stations, or stores anywhere nearby. My only companions on the trips home were cows, horses, and the occasional bear. But I kept coming back. She was worth the drive.

After a few years of marriage, we moved out here to the middle of nowhere – it had changed only slightly. There had been some road improvement and you could actually get groceries without driving 15 miles. It was still a quiet retreat from the noisy city – our little secret with an abundance of trees, dirt, and a creek winding through the side yard.

No one could have foreseen the changes soon to come. Metro Atlanta found our little secret and our county became one of the fastest growing in the country. But our little street stayed quiet and quant. Development threatened on every side – neighborhoods, shopping centers, fast food – but thankfully, only one house at the very top of the street sold out.

My street is still a quiet little retreat although if you drive to the top and need to turn left, you realize quickly that you are in a highly-developed area. We don’t get many solicitors because it would be a significant investment of time and energy for very little return. There are only about eighteen houses and the hill is steep. There is a stray Jehovah’s Witness who won’t give up on us, though. He comes every seven years, but the rest ignore my street.

My kids loved growing up here. It was like a nature study all the time. Deer, fox, owls, and hawks are common – as are turtles, frogs, lizards, and unfortunately, snakes. They played outside with plenty of room to roam and felt safe. They loved waking up on frosty mornings to see the horses frolicking on the neighboring farm.

Kylie loved living on our street. She lived here her entire life. Being the baby of our little clan, she always had a sister or cousin to play with and enjoy. We built play forts with sticks, sledded, and walked up the hill to the store together. She wondered about other houses and who was inside – we’d make up stories as we walked past. I remember taking her up to the top of the street to watch the sun rise and I will never forget her awe and wonder at God’s colorful display.

 

I watched the hearse take her up the same street on that cold, February morn and I wondered if my street would ever be the same. Could a history of good memories outweigh that one sight?

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and CURE has been selling gold bows to be put on mailboxes to raise awareness. Kylie’s aunt became a selling force and she contacted the people on our little street and told them about Kylie, about childhood cancer, and about a way to honor her.

And now I drive up and down my street and see gold bows on mailboxes. Gold bows for Kylie… resting on mailboxes of neighbors who knew her and some who didn’t; a few who didn’t even live here at the time.

And I feel safe, and warm, loved, and honored. And I remember. I remember how much she loved living on this street.

And I love my street even more.

 

 

 

Tell Me Again, About the Rabbits

This year has been an odd one for me because I have read much more than I’ve written. I began working down a list of the “100 greatest works of fiction.” I had read many of them, but I found two giant holes in my library: modern books and American literature. So I dove into Harry Potter, The Help, and Game of Thrones interspersed with Melville, Hemingway, and Steinbeck.

That last one, Steinbeck… he hit me in the teeth with Of Mice and Men. I respect his ability to pack such deep, meaningful characters and a heartbreaking story into 112 pages. That is genius. Most authors today seem to write for the trilogy or get so enamored with their own words that 112 pages is barely a back-story. It also hit me because I could identify with Lennie and the rabbits.

The impoverished and simple Lennie just dreams of holding a rabbit in his palm and stroking its soft fur. But he can’t. He can’t and never will. So he constantly begs George for stories about the rabbits.

bunnyTell me again, about the rabbits

The rabbits represent something of substance that a hopeless drifter has no chance of claiming. The rabbits are a thing just out of reach – a dream that could never come true. That thing we want, but cannot have.

We’ve all dreamed of things we couldn’t have. Sometimes it’s a person or a relationship. Often it is just that we want more: more money, more stuff, more recognition. More would make it better and fill the void.

Most of the things we spend our time dreaming about are material. With the right preparation, bankroll, or a stroke of luck, they could be attained. But like Lennie, the thing I want I cannot have. I want it so badly that I often feel my bones ache to fill the void.

Tell me again, about the rabbits

Labor Day Weekend four years ago brought news that Kylie’s cancer treatment had failed. We were scheduled for a five-day hospital stay; but they sent us home while they planned a new course. Because of the unanticipated time with her sisters, Kylie was thrilled. But that news marked the beginning of a downward spiral. We never got ahead of the cancer until we lost her months later.

I will never hold her again, or hear her say “daddy”, or see how she reacts to the attention of boys. I’ll never be able to see her on stage, share a cup of coffee, or walk her down the aisle. Those are things I want and cannot have. I can never have. I will never have.

Contentment is elusive when you see people all around holding their rabbits and your rabbit is but a memory.

But along with the ache that comes from wanting something you will never have comes a paradox. While I live in jealousy of rabbitful families, I don’t begrudge them their rabbits. I want everyone to have their own and joyfully hold them forever. I just want mine, too.

Tell me again, about the rabbits

And so, like Lennie, I dream. I am a drifter in this life who dreams an impossible dream about holding a thing I will never again hold. I smile, I work, I play, I have laughter and fun… and yet the allure of the rabbit’s soft fur always tugs at my heart. It’s a beautiful dream that necessarily awakens to a sobering reality. My palm is empty… there is no rabbit. There will never and can never be a rabbit.

Tell me again, about the rabbits

Lennie settles for stories about rabbits and so must I… in this life.

But I believe there is a day coming when my dream will come true… when Kylie will take my hand and show me a land of promise and reward to which no work of fiction can compare. That belief, though resolute, rarely makes the waiting here easier. I see now that this life will be difficult until that day.

But still, I will dream.

Tell me again, about the rabbits

bunny