Don’t Teach the Old Man

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Wednesday post to let you know that we’ve hijacked Dad’s blog. We hate that we had to do it, but there are some things that need to be said.

Dad is old. This should be obvious and it probably is to everyone… except him.

It used to be okay because he worked and played around people his age. But now he has a few millennials in his office and they’ve been teaching him things. Bad things. He came home the other day and said we were “acting all boujee.” Did he use it in context? Yes. Should he ever use a word like boujee? No!

Someone is responsible for this and it has to stop.

Actually, it all started a few years ago when he heard Boom Boom Pow in a spin class. The fact that he was in a spin class is worrisome enough. More troubling is how many times he said we were, “so 2000 and late.” Seriously! He kept calling himself Mark I Am until we finally convinced him that the nickname was a play on the guy’s real name, William. After we caught him singing Apple Bottom Jeans we stole his iPod, wiped it, and changed the iTunes password so he couldn’t reload it. Desperate times…

But other things began happening:

  • He started wearing sleeveless shirts to the gym. We thought it was a phase, but day after day he was wearing something akin to a high-schooler’s bro-tank.
  • On a shopping trip to Old Navy, he wandered off and we caught him trying on skinny jeans. Skinny jeans! There he was, giggling at himself in the mirror. He knew it was wrong. But still, the man was in skinny jeans.
  • He downloaded Snapchat. Fortunately, he can’t figure it out and can only play with the filters, but still.

Now he’s decided that he’s woke and is using words like boujee. No, just no!

phil-dunphy

You cannot teach the old man modern words. He is not responsible with words – he never has been. Every school report card he ever got has a comment in the behavior column that goes something like this, “Mark needs to think before he speaks.” Obviously, he never learned and needs guidance. Listen, someday (probably sooner than we think) we will be guiding him to the toilet. That’s not going to be your problem, it will be ours unless we can move far away. We’re just asking for a little help on the words issue.

You might be wondering why this is a big deal. The ramifications of his behavior are far-flung and harmful to our family as well as himself. If he won’t stay in the appropriate word zone, he starts feeling younger than he is. Not only does he embarrass himself and us, he feels chipper enough to do things old folks just shouldn’t do… like climb ladders. We found out what a disaster that can be last year when he ended up in the emergency room.

This is for his own good.

Right now he’s sitting in his chair trying to figure out why his password won’t open anything. 1234… Seriously? This is who you’re willing to trust with modern dialect? We will let him back into his electronics soon, we just need some assurances that you people won’t feed his delusions of youth. I think we can agree it isn’t good for him or society in general.

 

 

The Winner

“Winner! Winner! We have a winner!”

The ebullient sound of victory could be heard above the constant drone of the casino. In fact, the level of noise tempered slightly as gamers paused to take in the sight of a bald man at the roulette table with both arms raised in victory. His jaw dropped as he surveyed the enormity of the winnings before him – knowing this event completely changed his future. With tears in his eyes, he watched as stack after stack of chips were raked toward him by a portly croupier who seemed a sour fellow.

Several employees were summoned to help the bald man collect his good fortune so he could cash out. Each was tipped handily by the generous winner, none so much as the hand that had spun the wheel. The croupier’s attitude improved as his pockets bulged under the weight of the gift.

When the tally was exchanged for legal tender, the winner searched out a quiet place to rejoice and contemplate his haul. Beyond the rows of gaming tables sat an open bar that looked somewhat removed from the madness. The buzz of the casino resumed and seemed to have forgotten the interruption that had occurred just moments before. Aside from a few congratulations on his way to the bar, most of the gamers had already moved on from his win as they gave their concentration wholly over to chips, dice, and cards. Read More