The broken cat

January 28, 2014.Reading time 3 minutes.

We forgot the cat again. We didn’t forget to feed her or change her litterbox. No, we forgot to take her to the vet to get her fixed, again. The phone call from my lovely wife went something like this:

LW: Did you make an appointment for the cat?

Me: I knew I forgot something! Did you make one?

LW: No, and she’s doing it again.

Me: What? That’s impossible! She just went through this.

LW holds the phone out so I can listen to the cat moaning her bewitching taunt to any would-be boy cats in a ten mile radius. We talked about it and agreed that it had to happen. With the busyness of life, we just never got around to it. To quote a favorite phrase in our home, we got stuck in the “tyranny of the urgent.” So she hit a cycle for the second time, reminding us of her needs. Often…and loudly.

We have two old labs, one we call Toby Flenderson. If you watched The Office, you know Toby is short on personality and so is our dog. She never does much – just lays around and looks at you. She will momentarily spring to life to smell the butt or crotch of a visitor just to embarrass us. But it isn’t long before she lays back down, and looks at you. Well, the cat in heat has decided that Toby must be the one who can satisfy her urges. I don’t know why, perhaps it is because the dog is more dormant than the other one. Regardless of the fact that the dog is spade…and female, the cat has perfected a dance of love designed to woo her. She flops around in front of the poor pooch all day long trying to seduce her. Worse yet, at night, she calls out to her, waking us up with her songs of love.

She got so desperate yesterday, I think she downloaded some Barry White on iTunes and bought Toby a shot of tequila.

While most in the house laugh about this, the entire thing has been fermenting in my youngest daughter’s mind. She hasn’t had “the talk” yet. So she doesn’t know why Kitty is doing a low crawl of love across the floor. Oh, the questions! What does ‘in heat’ mean? What is fixed? Is she broken? Why is her bottom in the air? Why does she keep nuzzling Toby?

Since we’re cat newbies, the oldest has been doing research on the topic. Turns out, this might last a while as they can go into heat over and over and over until…well, you get the picture even if our youngest doesn’t.

Guess who’s going to the vet soon?

A Pursuit of Misguided Passions

January 16, 2014.Reading time 3 minutes.

In a surprise turn of events, I’ve been compared by my eldest daughter to Neil Patrick Harris. Unfortunately, it isn’t for his good looks, charm, or wit. No, I’ve been compared for something else entirely. Her new favorite show is How I Met Your Mother. I’ve never watched it, but she tells me that I remind her of Barney because, and I quote, “You come up with dumb ideas and pursue them passionately.”

Accused of this, I asked the family for examples thinking there might be one or two that came to mind and I could dismiss the charge as teenage overdramatics. Instead, what followed at the dinner table was a litany of hair-brained schemes I’ve had over the years. While my aged mind flutters from one to the next, their young memories file and categorize every crack-pot idea I’ve ever had. I was astounded at how long the list grew and had to agree, many of them were pretty stupid.

Take for instance, my attempt to woo a cat to live with us. In my defense, I didn’t know he belonged to a neighbor. I met him on my porch one night and started feeding him…and named him…and read to him.
The running kilt and 5k run dressed up as Jonah complete with a sign saying, “Repent Ninivites!”
My attempt to prove the existence of Chupacabras (which still goes on).
Food came up often. Don’t let me around a chocolate fountain – the last time I discovered chocolate-covered Shrimp and hushpuppies (Yum!). Topping the food category were the Twinkie Dog and Spice Cream, both served at Uncle Bubba’s Hot Dog Emporium.
Llamas in the Basement – a cheap imitation of Goats on the Roof in Tiger, GA, only bigger…and subterranean.
There was the notorious failed Labor Day kitten capture of a feral cat at my office.
Goodwill Hawaiian shirts worn on a mission trip to every continent. (2 down, 3 to go)
The #PartyMark ear bud holders.
My annual attempts to lure and slap a pelican during our beach vacations.

Last but not least: 2021 – The Year of No Pants. Before you get the idea that I plan on joining a nudist camp, I plan on being pantless appropriately. There are plenty of coverings officially called: Unbifurcated Garments. Kilts, togas, dashiki, gho, sarongs, kimonos, Fustanella, tunics, Männerrock (literally translated as man-skirt) would all be used to cover whilst I remain pantsless. I’ve got it all planned for the year after my youngest daughter leaves for college. I thought that would make them worry a little less about the ramifications of coming home to find Daddy lounging happily in his unbifurcated garments. This is genius! Or as NPH says:

LEGEN- wait for it – DARY!