Gift Advice for Men

December 9, 2013.Reading time 5 minutes.

Timeless advice from George Lee’s monthly feature in the Portsong Guardian, circa 1926

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I shouldn’t assume that all you men realize Christmas is upon us. It is hunting season in some places and we tend to be a distracted group. Therefore, I will begin by making two statements to you men who have wives, fiancées, or girlfriends:

First: Christmas is in two weeks.

Second: You are expected to get something for her.

Now that we’ve passed the obvious, let’s talk a little about the word “something”. It can be a tricky word. Do not substitute “anything” for it, anything won’t do. She is expecting something special, something that says you know her, her dreams, and her desires better than anyone else on the planet. Are you scared yet? If not, hand her a can of motor oil or a pack of playing cards on Christmas morn and watch the sparks fly! Here are some friendly reminders of things that will NOT promise satisfaction and smooth sailing on Christmas morning:

1. Anything that is for “us”. If it is for “us”, it is really for you. Rule of thumb: if you will touch, watch, listen to, or carry it more than 15% of the time, it is for you not her.

2. Anything automobile related. Give her car wax or leather cleaner and get ready to sleep in the back seat of your beloved motorcar for a few days.

3. Things intended to make her homemaking job easier. This includes kitchen and cleaning items. Again, see point 1, these things are for you – to make you more food or a tidier home. Either that or they say she isn’t doing a good job and needs help.

4. Items of clothing that are not her style, but looked good on a model or advertisement. In fact, unless you are absolutely, 100% sure of the size, stay away from clothing altogether. I’ve heard horror stories about men who gave their size 4 wives a size 8 dress and left the hospital sometime after New Year’s Day.

5. Gag gifts. Jokes are funny on April first, but not on Christmas. I made this mistake with Harriet once early in our marriage. When they wired our house for electricity, I found she often left lights on. So I thought it would be humorous to give her a light switch with a chain for a necklace. It didn’t work as a present or a reminder. Needless to say, I never ventured down that path again.

6. Anything found near the register at the store. She goes there, she’ll know. Those are called impulse items and she won’t have an impulse to kiss you any time soon.

7. Be wary of things that plug in. I’m from a bygone generation, but I thought a new radio was a stellar gift for Harriet one year. I listened to it alone until June and she still curls her nose up a little every time I click on the The J.W. Terwiliger Hour of Talent.

I suppose the best way to decide on a gift for her is to watch and listen to her, not to that inner voice that says you can finish this shopping thing quickly and be before kick-off. Games will always be there, will she?

George Lee is the resident Sage of Portsong, husband to Harriet and father of Dorothy, Henry, and Sally. Folks from all over town stop by Greynote Insurance to get his advice. If you’re in need of a word of wisdom, or term life coverage, feel free to stop by his office at the corner of Maple & Harvey Street for whichever type of quote suits you.

Irony & Ice Cream

December 6, 2013.Reading time 3 minutes.

I’ve always said that if the world could just taste Blue Bell Ice Cream, there would be no more wars. World peace is obtainable by the gallon for about $5.99. It is so good that upon my first introduction to their chocolate chip cookie dough variety, I called my wife of about a year and said, “I think I just had an affair!” Until then, I didn’t know I could love something so cold. Funny thing is, I don’t really like chocolate. I’ve found over the years it doesn’t matter what’s in it. If they mix it, freeze it, and put their label on it – I’ll buy it. They are a good Southern company which likely explains why so many Yankees are trying to get down here.

My 30’s brought family busyness and extra pants sizes. I really don’t blame Blue Bell. If it is her fault, I readily forgive my velvety temptress. I went back to the gym, ran a few marathons, and lost the weight while staying true to ice cream. I still run so I can eat it.

All of that brings me to this week. Tuesday, I had to pick up coffee to fuel my early morning writing obsession. When I find myself in any store that has a freezer section, I am compelled to check the ice cream aisle. Lo and behold, Blue Bell was on sale! Most of my family prefers the aforementioned cookie dough, but I have one dissenter who likes cookies and cream (I think they might spell it with an ‘n’ instead of the word ‘and’ which is lazy, ugly, and I can’t bring myself to type it that way). My last purchase had been cookie dough, so I dug out the last gallon of cookies AND cream. When I got home, I stashed it and somehow forgot about it until today. I was shaving this morning when my dissenter came and reminded me about her appointment to get a painful appliance added to her braces. With her lip poked out, she said, “You should go and get me cookies AND cream ice cream today.”

My memory is not great, but my purchase came to mind immediately. With my lance in hand, I gallantly mounted my white steed, lifted the faceguard on my suit of armor and simply said, “Check the freezer.”

Thank you, Lord for Blue Bell Ice Cream. More importantly, thank you for the ironic way you love on my daughter and let me take a little credit. I promise I’ll tell her…sometime.