A Valentine’s Day Dilemma

“Henry, what’s the matter, boy?” George Lee asked his son. “You’ve got that stress face your mother and I worry about.”

Henry quickly scrambled to cover the red and white clipped paper on his desk. When he looked up and met his father’s gaze, he found a measure of comfort in his concern. “Teacher gave us an awful assignment, and I don’t wanna do it.”

George chuckled, “I’ve never seen you shy away from anything too hard. What is it? Math? History? I can help you with those. If it’s writing your mother or Dorothy would be a better help.”

“It isn’t any of those.”

“Well, what is it then, son?”

Henry looked around to see if either of his sisters or mother were within earshot. He wasn’t sure he wanted to tell his father what he had to do, but knew the man was going to pull it out of him somehow. Reluctantly, he answered, “I gotta make a card for someone. A Valentine’s Day card. And it’s awful.”vd

George Lee started to laugh, but noting the angst in his boy’s eyes, he caught himself and took a seat beside his boy. “Here now,” he said. “That doesn’t sound so bad. You used to love to make pictures and such.”

“It ain’t the making that’s so bad,” Henry lamented. “It’s the giving.”

“Well, what’s Virgil going to do?” George asked before pondering the question. He typically wouldn’t use Virgil Creech for any sort of standard of behavior.

“Aww, he’s sweet on that old Esther Haywood. So he’s got all kinda big plans about making something for her,” Henry explained. “Said he might even put a quarter in his card so she can take him to a picture show.”

Again, George stifled a smile. His boy was on the cusp of the wonderfully tragic discovery of girls, but obviously not there yet. “Didn’t he get in trouble for putting a cockroach in her hair last week?” he asked. “God help the poor girl Virgil sets his sights on.”

Henry laughed and the tension in his face eased somewhat.

“Isn’t there any girl you think is just okay?” George asked.

Henry thought for a moment. “There’s Abigail Jacobs. She’s not too bad.”

“There!” proclaimed George. “Make it for her.”

“She’ll slug me if I make it for her,” Henry said. “She already warned us if she got anything from us boys, something bad was gonna happen.”

“Well son, I’m out of ideas,” George said as he rose to go. “Surely you can come up with someone.”

“Dad, what did you get for Mother?” Henry asked, only to watch his father turned as white as the paper on the desk.

“I completely forgot,” George said vacantly. “And the stores are closed now… Oh, tomorrow’s not going to be pretty.”

George left his son alone and spent the duration of the evening plotting his own plan to stay out of trouble, while Henry finally finished his work.

In the morning, George came into the kitchen to see his wife cleaning up after the children’s breakfast. Instead of the reception he dreaded, he found himself met with a very loving embrace.

“George Lee,” Harriet gushed. “Of all the sweetest, most wonderful husbands, I do  believe you are the best.”

valenAs she squeezed the shocked man once more, he noticed over her shoulder a colorful card made of the very paper he had seen on his son’s desk. He couldn’t make out the words but he knew that Henry had not only found someone to make a card for, but saved his father’s hide in the process.

Happy Valentine’s Day from Portsong!

Gift Advice for Men

Timeless advice from George Lee’s monthly feature in the Portsong Guardian, circa 1926
.Christmas woman

I shouldn’t assume that all you men realize Christmas is upon us.  It is hunting season in some places and we tend to be a distracted group.  Therefore, I will begin by making two statements to you men who have wives, fiancées, or girlfriends:

First:  Christmas is in two weeks.

Second:  You are expected to get something for her.

Now that we’ve passed the obvious, let’s talk a little about the word “something”.  It can be a tricky word.  Do not substitute “anything” for it, anything won’t do.  She is expecting something special, something that says you know her, her dreams, and her desires better than anyone else on the planet.  Are you scared yet?  If not, hand her a can of motor oil or a pack of playing cards on Christmas morn and watch the sparks fly!  Here are some friendly reminders of things that will NOT promise satisfaction and smooth sailing on Christmas morning:

1.         Anything that is for “us”.  If it is for “us”, it is really for you.  Rule of thumb:  if you will touch, watch, listen to, or carry it more than 15% of the time, it is for you not her.

2.         Anything automobile related.  Give her car wax or leather cleaner and get ready to sleep in the back seat of your beloved motorcar for a few days.

3.         Things intended to make her homemaking job easier.  This includes kitchen and cleaning items.  Again, see point 1, these things are for you – to make you more food or a tidier home.  Either that or they say she isn’t doing a good job and needs help.

4.         Items of clothing that are not her style, but looked good on a model or advertisement.  In fact, unless you are absolutely, 100% sure of the size, stay away from clothing altogether.  I’ve heard horror stories about men who gave their size 4 wives a size 8 dress and left the hospital sometime after New Year’s Day.

5.         Gag gifts.  Jokes are funny on April first, but not on Christmas.  I made this mistake with Harriet once early in our marriage.  When they wired our house for electricity, I found she often left lights on.  So I thought it would be humorous to give her a light switch with a chain for a necklace.  It didn’t work as a present or a reminder.  Needless to say, I never ventured down that path again.

6.         Anything found near the register at the store.  She goes there, she’ll know.  Those are called impulse items and she won’t have an impulse to kiss you any time soon.

7.         Be wary of things that plug in.  I’m from a bygone generation, but I thought a new radio was a stellar gift for Harriet one year.  I listened to it alone until June and she still curls her nose up a little every time I click on the The J.W. Terwiliger Hour of Talent.

I suppose the best way to decide on a gift for her is to watch and listen to her, not to that inner voice that says you can finish this shopping thing quickly and be before kick-off.  Games will always be there, will she?

George Lee is the resident Sage of Portsong, husband to Harriet and father of Dorothy, Henry, and Sally.  Folks from all over town stop by Greynote Insurance to get his advice.  If you’re in need of a word of wisdom, or term life coverage, feel free to stop by his office at the corner of Maple & Harvey Street for whichever type of quote suits you.