Chasing Charlie’s Angels

Any guy my age was ushered into manhood by those three beautiful women also known as Charlie’s Angels. Whether you preferred the smart and sassy Kate Jackson, the elegance of Jaclyn Smith, or the sheer beauty of Farrah Fawcett, we all had a favorite.

I was a Jaclyn Smith fan myself. Unfortunately, they never made posters of her. No, those iconic posters were of Farrah. There were three of them and Spencer’s had t-shirts to match. I was probably too young, but somehow owned one of those t-shirts in the fourth grade. Two of my buddies and I even snuck them on school picture day. I’m sure our parents were thrilled when those proofs came home.

When Farrah left the show, I handled it better than most because she wasn’t my favorite angel. The other factor was that I remember taking an immediate shine to her replacement, Cheryl Ladd.

Like any youngster, I had dreams of being in the right place at the right time to help the ladies solve a case. Television shows run this fine line of reality for a child. I truly believed the day might come when I was walking down the street and their car would squeal to a stop in front of me. Each one would give a generous flip of their hair as they climbed from the car to approach me in slow motion.

 

 

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Fast forward to my college years. Among the many jobs I held, I actually landed one that involved some degree of responsibility. I was a security guard for a five star hotel/resort. Actually, they called us Loss Prevention Officers, which looked way cooler on our name badges. This was one of the swankiest hotels in Lexington, so I did get to meet a handful of celebrities over the year I worked there.

I only got hired because I was willing to work the third shift a few nights a week. Working overnight demanded a good bit of schedule shuffling to get enough sleep for school, so I didn’t volunteer for very many extra shifts.

Until something odd happened…

I got called into Mr. Hebert’s office one night late in the week. He didn’t show up at the midnight turn of shifts unless something was wrong, so I feared the worst.

“Myers, I’ve got a special assignment for you,” he said with a wry grin while perched on the corner of his desk.

His tone made me instantly leery of his intent. I said nothing but waited for him to finish.

“This has to remain our secret. Can I trust you?”

Oh man, I was worried now. What was he going to make me do? I had no other option, so I agreed.

“At six a.m., I need you to be ready in the golf cart by the back entrance of the hotel. Someone will meet you there and need you to follow them as they jog the cart paths. Okay?”

It seemed harmless. I agreed, but dreaded finding out what this special assignment entailed.

He went home and left me to my duties – poking around the property, flirting with the front desk attendant, and generally lollygagging. When 6 a.m. arrived, I sat in the fully charged golf cart waiting when who should exit the hotel door but Cheryl Ladd – in town to film the miniseries Bluegrass! My dreaded assignment was to follow the beautiful Angel Kris Monroe around for 45 minutes. Um, terrible duty. She was every bit as beautiful as I’d imagined and very kind. I don’t think there was a drop of sweat on her when she finished, thanked me, and went on her way.

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Later that morning, when the daytime crew showed up, John sat on the same corner of his desk with a smarmy grin on his face.

“How was the night?” he asked.

“Peaceful,” I replied so as not to arouse suspicion.

Before I left he added, “I’m making next week’s schedule. What days are you available?”

I thought for a minute, studied the smile in his eyes and said, “I don’t have any early classes next week, I can work every night.”

“Excellent. The duty remains the same,” he said.

So I worked a full week of that tough job. I thought about skidding the cart to a stop somewhere and jumping out ready to fight crime with Ms. Monroe, but there was no need. Each morning was peacefully dull, yet somehow incredibly memorable to this young man.

The Marathon I Won

I’ll be running my eighth marathon on Sunday. This one is for charity, not time – I’m no speedster anyway. No, my training got derailed for obvious reasons and my waistline has expanded with all the cookies that have been delivered of late – not a good combination for running success.

I stood on the scale in horror yesterday as the digital readout spoke lies to me. I want to go back to the days of the rolling number wheel that looked so cheap and inaccurate you could truly rationalize it being off by 5-7 pounds. Modern scales reflect the downside of the affordability of precision electronics.

The situation brought to mind the first time I ran the Georgia Marathon in 2007.

I won it!

You heard that right, I broke the tape for the marathon.

In late 2005, I reached a plateau. It wasn’t a good plateau, it was a large one. I’ve always been a big lug, but the responsibilities of a father with four young children had led to an unhealthy weight. When the children (who caused the problem) see pictures of that time period, they call me “Fat Daddy”. Yes, my size 40 pants got tight and I made the decision that I wasn’t going to buy size 42’s. So I joined a gym, dieted, and found that I really enjoyed running.

After losing some weight, I saw an announcement of the inaugural Georgia Marathon and decided to set my sights on running the half-marathon. I got my training plan, ran four days a week, and bought all of the necessary paraphernalia including some snazzy running belts (fanny packs) that my children adore. By the time March 2007 rolled around, I was ready. My goal: 2 hours.

I lined up in coral G and watched in excitement as the flares went up and the gun sounded the beginning of the race. It took a little while to get into my stride, but I soon found my pace and settled in. Noting the split at mile 6, I made sure to turn left with the other half-marathoners, laughing at the few lonely souls going straight for twenty more miles. Through ten miles, I ran well until hitting a rather stout hill on mile 11. Once that was behind me, some mental calculations told me that I had a shot at my goal time.

I gave it my all. I pushed, grunted, and strained toward the finish. Finally, I saw it – the finish line. Just when it came into view, a roar came over the crowd. I looked around and didn’t see other runners around me.

This is really nice, I thought. They’re cheering for me!

I heard the announcer say something garbled – I guessed it was my name.

How’d they know my name? Must be the bib number.

I saw two people in official garb run a tape across the road.

Wow, that’s cool. A tape for me. Do they know it’s my first time?

Being the subject of such adoration was slightly embarrassing. Still, I lifted my arms to the crowd’s delight.

This is amazing! I wonder if they do this for everyone!

The same two officials who had run the tape across were now flailing wildly and seemed to be waving me off. Just after I broke the tape, I turned to see a group of very thin, insanely fit men barreling towards me.  Yes, at the exact time I finished my 13.1 miles, the professions finished their 26.2. I got a haughty look from the guy who rightfully should have broken the tape. Jealous, I suppose.

Although I might have been in the wrong place, I can forever say that I got to the finish line first!

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