She came to me as I woke this morning. We greeted many days together while the others slept, my morning flower and me. Kylie was my only early riser and a sweet little sunrise companion. She often invades my thoughts in that twilight of sleep when the mind isn’t quite sure if it is still at rest or engaged for the day – could reality be that the sickness was the dream and she is soon to beg me for a sip of coffee while we whisper to let the rest sleep?
No, it isn’t the case. I felt her clearly this Easter morn as I lay in a strange bed. Through the generosity of friends, we escaped the routine of the holiday where the egg hunts, chocolate bunnies, baskets, and church in frilly dresses leave too big a hole. Too hard. So here I sit on a porch overlooking a quiet lake as the sun rises over the water. My coffee is mine, although I’d give anything for her to mooch it. Why’s as endless as the waves lapping the shore are my only company.
Why did you give her just to take her away?
Why would you let her suffer? Why not take her quietly in the night instead?
Why couldn’t we have had one more week to enjoy the trip she yearned for?
Why? Why? Why?
Why is a bottomless hole.
I am sure the disciples fell into that hole. As they scattered throughout the city afraid for their lives, it had to be their preeminent question. I wonder what their why’s were. I can guess. Why didn’t you fight? Why did you lead us on? Why did I leave my family and career for this? Why?
I have learned that God is not often inclined to answer the question why.
One day, when I get to heaven, I can’t wait to ask him. It’s the very first thing I’ll do…
But wait. Hold on. The why is in the way.
When I get to see Jesus face to face, it will be because of the very atoning sacrifice that we celebrate today. I will see him only because of the death and resurrection that drove those questioning disciples into hiding. When I see him, there will be a little girl with long brown hair and a perfect body holding his hand waiting to introduce me to him. In her other hand she might hold the most sumptuous cup of coffee that she’s been excited to share with me.
Why won’t matter.
Why will have died.
Why is but a temporary distraction.
Why stayed in the tomb.
Whatever your questions today, praise God that through his Son, why only matters a little while.
A Generous Helping 
You are truly and inspiration to me. Kylie would be, no Kylie IS, so proud of you. Your pain, your suffering is not in vain. I know you never asked for the task, your sweet baby girl NEVER asked for the task, but both of you and of course Robin, are touching lives and your words and sheer gut wrenching honesty are bringing people through their own darkness and pain. Thank you for your continued posts, thank you for being honest about your pain, tour thoughts and your faith. You’re truly amazing and you have a gift. Continuing to pray for you all every day!
Thank you for your kind words, Hilary. It helps me to write, knowing it keep Kylie’s memory alive and may be useful to others.
Trying to find the right words of comfort to write down. Sometimes the words of strangers can touch your heart in such a way. Kylie’s journey has done that and continues to do that. May the Lord fill your heart with peace and love always…Happy Easter to you and your family…
Happy Easter to you, Lisette. And thanks for reading.
What an awesome gift God has given you with words. Perhaps “For such a time as this.” A wonderful Easter message you have given us today in honor of your precious Kylie. Thank you.
I used that very Esther analogy with Kylie one time. She laughed at me… ☺️ Blessings
Thank you for sharing that this morning. Odd how distracting the WHY is. It blocks us from our purpose in the moment. The death of WHY is a comfort!
Yes, Elizabeth. It is a total distraction that keeps us from moving in the right direction.
Those “firsts” without your precious daughter are always different and at first, feel so strange. I can’t imagine losing a child, but I have experienced loss. You and your family have God, each other, and your memories. After watching your life over the past year, I know your pain is profound, and I pray that each day you will move forward. I believe your gift of words and sharing with others will be healing and help you along the way. I will continue to pray for you and your loved ones. God bless you all.
Thank you for your prayers. Writing is very helpful to me and I’m humbled that people read it and it seems to resonate with some .
Mark, this is the finest thing I’ve ever read, by anyone, on those things that break our heart and cause us to ask why. I will save this and use it and reuse it again, if you don’t mind. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your words with us today! Continuing to pray for you all.
That is high praise coming from you, Ramona. Thank you.
Beautiful…
Thank you, Greg. I appreciate it.
Magnificantly said! God Bless and Happy Easter.
Thank you Jim. Happy Easter to you!
God bless your good words! Kylie has already met Jesus just like the disciples did and no doubt felt the joy that filled them as well! God bless you today!
Absolutely amazing – your words have touched me. I will read this post when I need strength. I hope you have a peaceful Easter. You are in my prayers. Xo
We did have a peaceful Easter. I appreciate your words, they mean a lot to me.
I have no words of comfort. No words to ease your pain. No words to bring Kylie back to share a sip of coffee. Instead, I can only thank you for this lovely Easter message.
That’s all I need. I will share coffee with her again!
Oh how we ask why so much. I wonder if God ever feels like we do when our children ask us why this and why that? Enjoy the time away and hugs to you all.
Thank you Teri. It was refreshing (and good to sneak away)
beautiful. and much love.
Thank you, Beth. Love right back at you, and stay away from clown puzzles.. Lol
Beautiful message from the depths of your soul. Thank you for sharing. God Bless you and your family.
Thank you, Debbie.
Thank you, Mark, for sharing. I like that idea…truth really…that “why only matters a little while”. I’ll remember that. All of you have been with me in my thoughts and heart and prayers all day. Love all of you.
Thanks for your prayers. These firsts are all hard – and hit your friend the hardest. But we made it through another one. Blessings to you all.
I mourn for your loss Mark. Deep down inside. I miss my Kelly also. One day I will see her again. When I do it will be different. No more hurt, no more pain.
Much love Tom
PS Thanks Paul
Thank you Tom. We will, of that I’m assured. Sometimes, it is all that puts on foot in front of the other. Blessings brother.
What a beautiful post Mark. The joy of Easter reminds me we will see our loved ones again. Peace to you and your family.
Thank you Lilka. The idea of seeing her helps us put our feet on e ground every morning.
Mark, you are an amazing writer and your faith is so very edifying. Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest.
Thank you, Mark.
Your story and continued faith inspire me. I am definitely struggling with the why’s since we lost our son in February shortly before Kylie entered heaven as well. Thank you so much for your sincerity throughout the ordeal and for drawing so much attention to childhood cancer. Hopefully, we will soon see results!
I’m sorry for the loss of your son, Heather. I so hope we can turn the tide in this fight. I know you echo my sentiment when I say I don’t want anyone else to have to do this.
thank you Mark – this is so good! I often think of the wonderful reunion we’ll have one day with our loved ones who’ve gone before. They will “show to us the city beautiful” – and oh what joy filled tour guides we’ll have! 🙂 Been thinking and praying for your family!!
Thank you, Pam. Those will be sweet reunions.
Mark; hugs and prayers.
“The why is in the way” … these words really struck me. Thank you for this post and thank you for sharing such intimate feelings and your passion for your daughter Kylie, and your entire family. The love of Kylie by you as her father shines through. She felt that as well, that much is undeniable. Thank you for sharing …
Thank you. I truly appreciate your comment. I miss that kid, but am comforted that others continue to be touched by her.
You helped me first, Mark, without even knowing or realizing it. Reading your guest post on The Hook’s blog gave me cause to stumble into your blog. Amazingly after checking out your home page, this post from your archives was the first one I clicked into. Thank you.