Whybrows?

I’ve got some complaints. First, why on earth would God install a worthless organ that does nothing besides rupture and cause complications? My appendix has yet to burst, but we are all ticking time bombs just waiting for the that day.

Consider this:

735,000 Americans have heart attacks each year.

680,000 Americans have appendicitis annually.

We know the purpose and necessity of the heart. Further, most of those heart attacks are preventable through diet and proper attention. But we can do nothing about our appendix and we don’t need it anyway. What’s up with that?

While we are examining the superfluous, what is the purpose of eyebrows? Seriously? If you look that up, you’ll only get hypothetical channeling of sweat and facial expressions. Facial expressions – seriously? What would we possibly be if we couldn’t furl our brows, knit our brows, or raise an eyebrow?

Just for giggles, watch this little girl discover her eyebrows.

 

And let’s analyze the other “purpose”. Unless you have a unibrow, what good is it to have them separated – leaving a gaping hole in the middle for sweat to pour through? They are as worthless as a bow-legged goalie.

So, the only actual functional eyebrow is the unibrow – that people pluck, wax, and shave to get rid of because no one wants to get caught with an unsightly unibrow.

 

When I was a boy, my hair was so blond that my eyebrows were nearly invisible. In fact, I’ve been told that I checked the mirror often for them and wouldn’t believe I had eyebrows at all. My hair has darkened over the years and sometime in my early forties, I was sitting in the barber’s chair when out of the blue, she asked, “Do you want your eyebrow hair trimmed?”

We were friends until the point where she crossed that line. I silently pondered her question, finally deciding that she wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t need them trimmed and I elected to have her do so.

But this caused a stirring of several questions. Why do they grow now? Why does God mock us with ridiculous extra hair as we age? I bought a shaver to take care of God’s little joke from now on. It has a guard so that I won’t cut them too close and most of the time I remember to check it.

Then one day, I discovered a purpose for eyebrows!

As with many scientific discoveries, it happened quite by accident. A check in the mirror showed many crazy hairs and I pulled out the shaver – you guessed it, without the guard. In an instant, my right eyebrow was gone. I stood there looking at myself in disbelief just like when I was a boy.

Once one is gone, you pretty much have to shave the other to even it out.

And there it is!

The purpose of eyebrows is to keep people from looking at you like you are a complete moron. Because when they are gone, people sure do stare.

 

 

 

I Could do That!

Have you ever watched any of those survival shows or National Geographic where someone is trekking through a jungle deep in the heart of Africa against all odds? My favorite was Man vs. Wild. I would sit in my comfy recliner with my bowl full of ice cream while a guy named Bear faced temperatures of -30° and a pack of rabid polar bears and I would think, “I could do that.”

I once watched him squeeze water from elephant poop to avoid dehydration. I could totally do that.

Seriously, that’s how guys think!

We think that if forced into such a situation, our natural instincts would take over and we could do anything. Of course, the first month or two in the wild would force us to shed our extra thirty pounds of office-chair flab to get down to our raw fighting weight. Never mind we aren’t former Commandos with years of training – that isn’t what we lack. We lack only the opportunity. If we had the opportunity, we could discover new lands just like Magellan or lead armies like Alexander the Great. It’s just that we came along too late; there is nothing new to discover. The lack of opportunity is what is preventing us from being bold and daring… oh, and a slight case of bursitis.

But I was recently forced into a survival situation.

My situation started in Walmart. Now I know that can be the very edge of humanity, but I didn’t have to wrestle a 400-pound man in a thong or anything quite so appealing. I had to get dinner. My wife and daughter have been busy with a show, leaving me to spend many evenings as a bachelor.

Let’s define “bachelor” because I was certainly not a good-looking, rich single guy chased by thirty beautiful women. Wrong reality show. No, I was just a lonely man facing dinner choices. I’ve been there before. I have lived in a world of condiments, nachos, and little substance. Granted, it has been nearly twenty-five years. But I can do that!

With errands to run, I stopped at Walmart, which has a full grocery store – two birds, one stone. Saving precious resources already. I meandered the meats and seafood but thought they looked long on preparation and dirty dishes, so I grabbed a what I thought was a name-brand frozen pizza. When I got to the register, my first clue should have been that it rang up for $2.89. Seriously! A large pizza. I should have taken it back to the freezer section immediately. But then I thought, maybe I was about to discover a new delicious, low-cost meal. Maybe it is good. And besides, the frozen food section is way over there…e8a8519c-82e7-4e4b-95cf-5bfc3a7959ae_1.60114a2b9cfe831bc05231c97ee30748

When I took it out of the box, it looked very segmented. Not at all like the picture on the box. A glob of frozen sauce here, some meat there, and fake cheese in an altogether different location. At $2.89, you don’t get mixing. That internal voice in my head told me to abandon ship and go to Zaxby’s, but being a man, I shunned reason and baked it.

I don’t know what price-point the people at Walmart are afraid of. Maybe the $3.15 pizza guys really have the market cornered. But this thing was nasty. The crust was cardboard, the cheese rubbery and the ranch sauce tasted like the antifreeze that dripped into my mouth once during a car repair gone wrong. I seriously considered calling poison control.

I threw it out and left a scathing review on Walmart.com which I am sure will cause them to change their ways. I made a condiment sandwich and turned on the TV to catch a Survivor episode where they were standing in chest-deep, shark-infested water fishing with twine.

And although I cannot master bachelorhood, I knew in my heart that I could totally do that.

 

 

*feature image credit:Lwp Kommunikáció via CCI