My Evil (Colo-Rectal) Plan

Getting old sucks. Or maybe I should say, blows.

Yes, after crossing my 50th year, I have signed up for the ultimate test of bodily humiliation, my first colonoscopy. Yay! I had hoped to live-stream it, but my doctor forbade it. Actually he asked me to find another doctor, but I talked him out of it. I guess all those years of medical school strained out his sense of humor.

But I’m sure there are no colonoscopy jokes he hasn’t heard. Be proud, I didn’t even try them. Instead of cracking the “Aren’t you going to buy me a drink first” gag, I came up with another idea.

As I’ve always heard, the prep is the worst part and that starts at the pharmacy counter when you ask for your prescription. Why does she have to read it loudly to dozens of waiting customers?

“Mr. Myers, here’s your COLON PREP KIT!”

Maybe you’d like to take the store’s intercom: “Cleanup on aisle 1 and Mr. Myers is having a camera on a stick crammed up his…”

rr3Then I took it home and read what it entails. It’s a little frightening. Or… maybe it’s an opportunity. Like Wile E. Coyote unfurling his ACME blueprints, I’ve decided to make this colon blow a family affair. I mean, if you can’t share crap-splatters with your family, who can you share them with?

It actually started with the scheduling of December 13, which is conveniently situated between my two oldest daughters’ birthdays. Yes, one turns 24 on the 12th and the other 22 on the 14th. What says Happy Birthday louder than dad knocking you down on the way to the bathroom for a violent poo?

But to take things a step further, I want to bring the whole family in on the fun. After all, colonoscopy prep isn’t just for birthdays anymore. I’ve decided that I’ll spread the love around by not focusing my colorectal anger on one bathroom. No, I’m going to strategically attack each and every toilet in the house. No one is safe!

“Hey kids, it’s bowel prep night. Invite your friends!”

I feel slightly bad for the birthday girls who share a jack-and-jill bathroom between their bedrooms. But not bad enough to alter my assault plans. In fact, if things get bad during the night, that’s where I’m going. I figure it will make their birthdays even more special and memorable to be torn from a pleasant dream by the smell of dad’s intestines crying.

I even drew a map.

Kylie's

The basement and second floor bathrooms could prove tactically difficult, but I’ve got my headlamp ready and even if I have to low-crawl, I’ll make it.

Five toilets, five destinations. Wish me luck!

The Smell of Dad’s Nuts

Disney World has always been a special place for our family. We’ve been going as regularly as finances would allow for many years. When our oldest was a toddler, I fondly remember watching her break into dance upon entering Magic Kingdom for the first time. Nothing prompted her besides the rhythm of Main Street USA as she bounced and swayed across the pavement.

As our family grew, we kept going, albeit less frequently. A family of six is expensive! We knew the tricks and dodges to avoid crowds. Wait until summer or a break in school? Not us. We were that family that pulled our kids out of school to go to Disney. And knowing what I know now, I have zero regrets.

To younger families, I say, “Take the Trip!”

Spend the time together. School will always be there. You never know when life will change making a family vacation impossible. In the best of circumstances, the dance of childhood changes from a family rumba to a solo waltz out the door all too soon. When the worst happens… well, you remember the vacations forever.

As my children grew, they began to love rollercoasters like me. Each one strained against the measuring stick that is the gateway to the coaster. Our trips became less about the Pooh Ride and It’s a Small World and began to fill up with the thrills of Space Mountain and Expedition Everest. Fantastic.

But somewhere along the way, the old man lost the ability to do the Tea Cups or anything that spins. I don’t think I have vertigo, but if I spin round and round I am dizzy and lost for a while. I literally feel like I’m coming off a small boat in rough seas and have to sit out for an hour or two.

So I quit those… but my kids didn’t.

I don’t mind being on my own while they wait in line. If you know the layout of Disney, the Tea Cups are situated by Tomorrowland Speedway and Dumbo’s Circus. If you go either way, there are vendors of different treats and delicacies. Years ago, I found one such vendor who serves glazed almonds. They are heaven in a red and white striped bag – for six bucks (It’s Disney, nothing is reasonable. That Mouse knows how to drain every penny out of you.)

Every time my kids get into the queue for the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party and spin to their hearts content, I mosey over to the glazed almond vendor for a little bag of heaven.

Last week, we went down to Disney for a quick two-day jaunt. There were things that were difficult as we remembered Kylie and her love of the whole experience. But there were also moments of unbridled joy, such as when we walked past my favorite vendor’s booth and my sweet, demure wife innocently proclaimed,

“I SMELL DAD’S NUTS!”

And Disney World will never be the same.

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Must have been before the smell