Innocence, Libido & the evil gods of Radio

March 11, 2014.Reading time 3 minutes.

When our children were younger, I used to love taking them in the truck with me to run errands. With so many kids, the trips were a necessity and provided rare one-on-one time with whichever child agreed to go. I loved it right up until one unfortunate ride with my youngest. Here is text from that fateful trip.

Dad, drivers have all kinds of signs don’t they?

Yes, there are road signs to tell us when to stop and how fast to go.

No, that’s not what I mean. I mean drivers have signs they give…with their hands.

Sure, they wave to each other after one lets the other in front of them. That’s a kind thing to do.

Yes, but what does this mean? (giving me the perfect one finger salute)

Where did you see that? (Spoken calmly so she wouldn’t adopt this as a favorite gesture)

That man over there did it. Did you let him in front of you?

No, that means I must have done something wrong and he was telling me about it.

What did you do?

I don’t know, maybe I cut him off or he thought I drove too close to him.

Do you use that sign?

No, honey, I don’t use that sign.

Does Mommy?

No, Mommy doesn’t use that sign.

What if Mommy does something wrong, would you do that to show her? (Once again, saluting me in the mirror)

No, we would never use that sign to Mommy. It isn’t a nice sign.

Oh. So we shouldn’t use that sign?

No, we shouldn’t use that sign. (she examines her finger wonderingly)

How about we listen to the radio?

Okay! I like the radio.

(I fumble through the dial and settle on a station where the song quickly yields to a woman’s voice)

Women, do you suffer from low libido… (frantic push of the search button)

Daddy, what’s a libido?

Um, I think it’s an animal found in darkest Peru.

Like Paddington?

Exactly.

I’ve never heard of it in his books.

Maybe we haven’t gotten to that one yet.

Why is it low?

I don’t know, Sweety (how is this kid hearing every stinking thing? New station)

Men, listen to me. erectile disfunction is a serious problem… (FRANTIC PUSH as I fall victim to a conspiracy of the evil gods of radio)

Daddy…

…Er…How would you like to go to McDonalds for a chocolate milkshake?

YAY!!!! McDonalds!!!!

But it’s almost lunchtime. Will it be okay with Mommy?

Baby, if all Mommy hears about from this trip is the milkshake, I’m in great shape.

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Photo Credit: By JPRoche (Own work) CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)

The Colonel’s First Story, pt. 5

February 20, 2014.Reading time 2 minutes.

Today I submit the final installment of the Colonel’s First Story. I hope you have enjoyed it. To start from the beginning, click here: Part 1

The children all rose in a disorganized fashion and wandered back to their play except little Sally who stood beside him smiling, still holding her hand on his knee.

“What’s your name?” she asked with an innocent lisp that was immediately endearing.

“I, Sally, am Colonel Clarence J. Birdwhistle,” he replied.

“Why do you have such funny whiskers?”

Although her mother quickly shushed her, the question dripped of sugar and honey to the ears of the old man.

“Well, my dear,” he said stroking the side of his face. “They are traditional for a man of my age. It seems that it was just a few years ago when everyone had them. Sometimes it is difficult for a man to let go of things from their past.”

She leaned up, put both hands on the side of his face and whispered in his ear, “Mr. Birdsong. I still like monkeys.”

Having said what she needed to, she bade him farewell and left. He hadn’t the faintest desire to correct his name, and in the light of little Sally’s affection, even monkeys seemed more favorable to him at that moment.

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As you can see, the Colonel is a worthy storyteller who, unbeknownst to even himself, has a wonderful way with children. He and Sally develop a very special relationship as the book continues. As fate would have it, Sally is the younger sister of Henry Lee, whose friendship with Virgil Creech is mentored by the old Brit. But that’s tale for a different time.

Thanks for taking time to read a story from the Colonel. I am excited to say that book number two from Portsong is in the final edit stage and should be ready in the Spring! Yes, the menace returns (along with a healthy dose of more stable characters like the Colonel) in Virgil Creech Sings for his Supper.