WANTED: Cone of Silence

With all of the useful technology being invented daily, how has someone not created a real life Cone of Silence? We can map a human genome, bungee jump without a cord, order a pizza with a tweet and yet we have no cone of silence! The cone of silence was largely responsible for keeping the bumbling Secret Agent Maxwell Smart undercover for five seasons and would you believe, three films!


The cone of silence would be something of real use, especially for men. I have said some really stupid things in my life – most men have. Just like my tantrums and trivial diatribes, I save most of my stupidity for my wife and family. Why waste it on people I don’t care about, right? I won’t regale you with the stupid things I’ve said, the book entitled Somehow I’m Still Married is coming out in 2021 (maybe). There is so much stupidity out there for us all to enjoy – and 2016 is an election year! Stupid is multiplied by four during an election year.

Speaking of stupid, why, Dear God, why do you let televangelists create syntactic combinations of lexicals? Seriously? Why couldn’t they be left out of the phonetic pool? There are good people living authentic lives of love that would be attractive to the lost and searching and they have trouble getting their message out. And then, one day, some dope decides red cups are the most important, despicable, and overtly evil thing in the world and everyone pays attention. Seriously? A cup? If that’s the highest priority on your list, you’ve got it pretty good, pal.


Doesn’t he know that Christians are NOT going to boycott their lattes? Seriously, start talking about taking away Starbucks and church attendance goes way down. After all, the carpets in many churches are coffee brown to bring people and their careless stains inside – red cups and all.

Somebody please invent the Cone of Silence – we now have the perfect test subject!

Of course it will need a remote control and someone must be the authority. Would we have an election for that? I can imagine the debates. There is so much needless tripe spewed at political debates that the cone of silence would be in full use while we tried to pick who got to be its master. No, an election wouldn’t work.

The cone of silence administrator would be such an onerous and powerful position that it would have to be won by some sort of game. That’s it!  We could have a huge challenge of The Quiet Game that your mom made you play on car trips and whoever wins becomes the Quiet King and controls the cone of silence for seven years.

The original Quite Kings - The Darling Boys
The original Quite Kings – The Darling Boys

I am quite sure it would hover over me sometimes, but it would be for my own good and the good of my relationships. I can accept that. There would probably have to be a blimp sized one ready to deploy at anywhere a televangelist got to address a crowd. And wouldn’t that be good? I have faith in the Quiet King. He knows when to push the button.

Speaking of Kings, I seriously doubt the people at Starbucks hates Jesus. And regardless, I know with complete certainty that Jesus loves the people at Starbucks. So if you have to picket, protest the Tall and Grande sizes because there is nothing grande about getting a miniature cup of coffee at those prices, regardless of its color.

A Cat’s Divine Appointment

Did you ever believe in a divine appointment? I mean, something that worked together so perfectly that it had to be orchestrated by God in order to unfold properly. Something that, if man touched, would fall apart like a house of cards built on a rickety three-legged table.

It happened to me recently. Actually, it happened to a cat I now own. If you’ve been to my house or been reading my blog for any length of time, you know our pet burden is already far too high. All rescues, we have Winston, the huge, stupid, lovable lab. Toby Flenderson, the dog with a personality deficit. Kitty, a barn cat who came to live with us two years ago. Stanley the Chemo Cat, a sweet fatboy who was chosen by Kylie to sit with her during treatment.

In the last weeks, our little patient wanted a baby kitty. Actually, she has wanted one for some time and I was able to say no. At one point, I bought a bottle, put Stanley in a diaper and tried to pass him off for a kitten. He was pretty cute, but a 14 lb. cat doesn’t pose well as a baby.

So when we got the terrible news that her disease had progressed, I could no longer say no to anything she wanted. I called a friend who knew a pet rescue organization and in a few hours, a kind lady from Angels Among Us delivered a baby kitty who had gotten off to a rough start in life. We had every intention of returning the cat in a few days.

This is where the divine appointment came in. We brought the kitten to Kylie who sat up for the very last time to welcome her. She gave us her last smiles and loved on that little cat as long as her energy would allow. When she laid back to rest, that little kitten curled up in the crook of her arm and never moved. Never! If one of us moved her, she walked right back into the crook of Kylie’s arm and laid back down. Eliza didn’t move from that spot until Kylie breathed her last.


You might think we got a mellow, lazy kitten. You would be wrong. She is rambunctious, curious, and now runs and jumps all over the house. She is an amazing leaper who rules the roost. She won’t even take crap from Winston who feels a perpetual need to sniff her backside until he gets a claw on the nose.

The mere fact that she laid so still for a day lets me know that she had a job to do – a divine appointment. She did it perfectly and now we will spend the rest of her life rewarding Eliza for her job performance. She is our baby now even though the last thing we need is another pet.

We all believe Winston is too stupid to realize this is a new cat because he hasn’t seen all three of them in the same room together. He probably just thinks one shrunk.

I wonder if we all have divine appointments at some time in our lives, but don’t sit still long enough to realize they are happening?