Tomorrow marks a year since you left. I miss you so bad it hurts. I hope you have had time to read all of the beautiful letters people wrote to you. It isn’t just me and your family who miss you. You left a ginormous hole for a fairly small girl.
Since we can’t have you here with us, we watch videos of you all the time. We have our favorites. Annie is one, of course. Also, we laughed and laughed about the Disney cruise when you missed mommy and wouldn’t stay at the kids’ camps. Our little pager said: Kylie would like to be picked up at Monstro Point & Kylie would like to be picked up at Animator’s Pallet. When I interviewed you to see what your favorite parts of the day were, I asked you what you did when you didn’t want to stay and you said, “Um, cwied”. There was no remorse in your little voice.
“Um, cwied” is our family catchphrase now.
I’m kind of nervous to tell you this next part. I’ve got two tattoos – okay three but I’m not counting the little dot I got to show it you didn’t hurt when you had to get marked for radiation. You let me get that one! I know you would be mortified and I’m sorry. One is the Smiley for Kylie logo and the other is the penguin picture you drew me for the marathon. You told me to “run daddy, run, then waddle home to me.” I’m trying to run. I figure the best way to run is to keep on telling people about you – your faith, your joy, and the cancer that we need to kill. Someday I will waddle home to you and I’m kind of ready for that. Does that sound weird – that I’m kind of sick of this place and ready to see you again? It’s true. Nothing is the same without you. I’m not going to jump in front of a bus anytime soon, but I would be the first to push someone out of the way.
I did go ahead and run the marathon that I was training for before you died. Okay, I walked a lot. My worst time by far, but I finished. I still run so I don’t turn into fat daddy again, but not as far as I used to. I’m spending most of my time writing.
I’m finally releasing the last Virgil Creech book that we started reading together. I think its pretty good – I wish you had gotten to finish it. I wonder if you just know how it ends since you are up there. Hey, if there’s a library can you get it in for me? Maybe stash it in Charles Dickens’ backpack when he’s not looking?
I’m glad I finished that because mostly I write about YOU now! My blog gets a lot more readers (when you are the subject) and I am working on a book about things you did to take back your joy from cancer. I think it could help people who have to go through hard times like you did. Sometimes I can only smile because you taught me how. You showed me that every minute is precious and joy can be unearthed anywhere if you dig deep enough. You were chock full of amazing.
Oh, Kylie. I miss you so much. I know I said it before, but it’s true. I miss seeing your smile and hearing your giggle. I miss watching you perform. We went to Broadway, but it wasn’t the same without you. You got your Broadway debut, though! It should have been on a stage, but it was on a billboard instead. Lots of people saw it. You are making a difference.
I guess I just wanted to say I love you, I miss you, I’m sorry, and I will never forget you. You are the inspiration for everything I do from now until that glorious day when I get to hold you again.
You and me for always,