Cinnamon Roll Sundays

For twenty years at our house, Sunday mornings meant waking up to the sweet, sugary taste of cinnamon rolls. The smell was enough to bring some from their beds and the fear of missing out brought the rest down.

If you’ve ever popped a package of them, you likely have stumbled across Pillsbury’s three design flaws.

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First, the little sugar cup in the bottom is sealed loosely with a metal lid. I’m certain I am not the only one who has pulled apart his eight sticky pieces of dough and neglected to notice the little metal lid clinging to the last one. But you find it when the rolls are pulled from the oven because seven are perfect and one is burnt to a crisp. Swine metal lid!

Second, there are never enough. When the girls were young, they plowed through cinnamon rolls like lions at a wildebeest buffet. At some point, eight wasn’t enough so we added a five pack until thirteen wouldn’t hold them. I am sure their tummies had limits, but it seems they would eat them until there were none left. The negotiations over the last cinnamon roll were epic and could be used by the UN as a precedent for global conflict resolution.

The final design flaw is the little cup of sugar icing. No matter how hard you try, it is simply impossible to spread its contents evenly across the warm cinnamon rolls. Two get too much, one gets slighted – equity is impossible to reach. And although white, sticky icing is dripping over the edge of every one, sleepy-eyed children can tell exactly which roll is a milligram short. I spent way too much time stealing from one to give to another like a confectioner Robin Hood and thinking that I had divvied it up perfectly. But the first one down would survey the lot and quickly snatch the two with the most while the straggler would whine about icing insufficiency.

Things are different now. On this holiday weekend, we needed only a five pack to suit them all. The oldest two were home from college and neither eats as much as they used to. The high schooler’s dancing demands a healthier diet. And then there is the one missing. She ate the most cinnamon rolls of all and as our early riser, she always got the pick of the lot.

As I globbed icing on the five lonely cinnamon rolls and desperately tried for icing equality, I stepped back and pondered life’s changes. Time is irreversible despite our best efforts. The things that distract us most: money, career, fame – none of that will stop time. Surgery can only delay its evidence. But time marches on relentlessly. It can’t be stopped. Like the portion of icing at the bottom of the tube, there is never enough. Even though my life is as beautifully imperfect as the cinnamon roll conundrum, I am happy with where I find myself (except the loss, of course.) And yet, making cinnamon rolls takes me back and I find myself wishing for simpler days that have vanished in what seems like a minute.

Sunday morning, cinnamon rolls. The girls devoured all five and the last sleepyhead down complained of her lot – just like old times. Who would have thought they would become a little family tradition? Soon, cinnamon rolls won’t be needed at all because neither my lovely wife nor I eat them. I wonder what lazy Sundays will consist of then.

 

Are there any flaky little Sunday morning traditions that turn your heart toward home and family?

 

My Movie Ban

Aren’t memories a lovely thing? Isn’t it amazing how we can sanitize them so that as we look back, the waves of time have washed over our lives and we recall only the good ole days? Even in the best of times, there had to be negative emotions, hurt feelings, or repressed fears. Yet through the Pollyannaish lens of the mind, most of those evaporate until we look back with dopey, satisfied grins at simpler and happier times.

Unless you have children to remind you.

In my memories, our children are all happy, well-adjusted, curly-haired imps who look at me in love and awe as I made all the right decisions and led the family on daring adventures and fantastic voyages.

In the drama of their minds, I play the part of a bumbling clown – Dick Van Dyke tripping over ottomans. While I remember sunshine and rainbows, they recall falls from horses, near drownings, and being afraid of monsters from stories I told because evidently I was a whooping maniac who hurled them into the deep end of the pool while I laughed sadistically from the shallow end where my feet always touched.

I don’t think they truly remember it that way, but they sure do seem to revel in the faults and foibles of the patriarch. They have passed through the childhood Land of Perfect Daddy and into the demilitarized zone that borders adulthood. At times, they demonstrate against the SDDS (Socialist Dumb Daddy State) where loud speakers boom amplified messages of all dad’s mistakes as propaganda to the less informed.

This Christmas, the wayward two were home from college and I was hobbled by a bum ankle which left a great deal of down time during which we watched old home videos and reminisced. And then I had the unmitigated gall to suggest a movie which brought up all the scars I had inflicted with my movie choices. In my defense, there was no PG-13 when I was young, so cursing was more readily acceptable in PG movies. Who knew the profanity that would assault their tender ears during Harry and the Hendersons? I only recalled a sweet sasquatch.

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I do not qualify as guidance

 

I also had no idea the pain and trauma Jumanji would inflict. Nightmares of monkey boys affected sleep patterns for years. After that, their mother, who acts as the propriety police in all the lands of daddy, instituted a five-year movie ban and no longer allowed me to suggest movies from my childhood.

Just when it finally lifted, I made a new, holiday suggestion: Christmas Vacation.

Before you go saying, “I love that movie,” chances are you love the sanitized TBS version – which is all I have ever seen. Clark’s profanity-laced tirade in the theater edition might shock and surprise you. It did me… as I lay helplessly on the couch, knowing I had blown it… again.

Although I am sure my kids hear worse at their schools daily, the little covert operatives assumed the roles of prim saints in a tabernacle choir and acted shocked and morally compromised. It was quite a performance. They choked back evil grins and banded together while their mother issued a new movie ban… another long five years.

I get out in 2021.

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What movies did you remember as clean and wholesome only to realize too late they were not?