Surviving Hummus

My family is trying to kill me…  one healthy meal at a time.

I’ve got a daughter who has become uber-healthy. While I respect her dedication and discipline, I have a problem with it creeping onto my plate. My notion of healthy living is running more so that I can eat whatever crap I want.

My parade toward death started innocently enough. With granola. That’s how they get you, right? They offer you something you like – almonds, oats, nuts, honey, and just enough sweet bits to tie it all together into a happy, delicious treat. Then slowly it morphs. It becomes good for you. Gone are the sweet bits; replaced with freeze-dried fruits that are a shell of themselves because they’ve had their natural sweetness squeezed out of them. All that’s left is the crusty husk… like me.

Still I eat it. I eat it because things that were the source of life: nachos, Oreos, M & M’s, and pre-wrapped synthetic goodness seem to have been removed from our pantry. I miss my sweet and salty friends. They were the sustenance of my youth. I weep for them.

The desolation that our refrigerator has become is truly abhorrent. I barely have the resolve to open its air-tight door and hear the floooth of disappointment. My heart sinks with the sound of the broken seal.

Where is the cheese?

Green, green, green. Was man truly meant to eat green with every meal? I don’t mind the occasional salad, but unless you dress it up, green things are completely subpar on the taste side. The only thing particularly manly that comes from green veggies is the resultant gas. Lettuce and broccoli are like jet fuel but when the plane starts bouncing down the runway, we get in trouble. It’s not fair. Nature is nature, you feed a man a leaf and you have to be ready for the leaf to be turned over… and over… and over.


By far the biggest problem in the fridge is hummus. What the heck is hummus? I’ve never seen a chickpea; it has the consistency of paste and no taste – why would we consider it a food source? Hummus has more relevance as mortar than food. If you can erect a cinder block wall with it, please don’t serve it to me! I don’t care what flavor they add to it, when I crack the lid all I can see is the poop emoji staring up at me.

We also seem to be dabbling in the latest craze to assault the American male: quinoa. I can’t even say it, why would I eat it? I thought it was just some made up crap given to us by the flower children who pushed smoothies on us a few years ago. Since I had no idea what this quinoa was, I did some research and found quinoa comes to us from South America. May I remind you that the last mass produced crop the South Americans exported to us was from the coca plant and now we have an entire government agency trying to push that back over the border. Shouldn’t that serve as a lesson?

If there is a point here, it is that a man was meant to live on grease, pizza, and red meat – not beans and sprouts. I know there are some who have chosen a green path and while I don’t understand their earthy, crunchiness, I can look the other way. Most real mean can’t be pulled into vegetableness. It is simply unnatural! I have survived hummus thus far, but I fear the quinoa might be the tipping point.

God gave all his chillens taste buds for a reason.

I just want a little corner of the fridge and one shelf in the pantry reserved for stuff that will clog my arteries. Is that too much to ask?





I’ve got some complaints. First, why on earth would God install a worthless organ that does nothing besides rupture and cause complications? My appendix has yet to burst, but we are all ticking time bombs just waiting for the that day.

Consider this:

735,000 Americans have heart attacks each year.

680,000 Americans have appendicitis annually.

We know the purpose and necessity of the heart. Further, most of those heart attacks are preventable through diet and proper attention. But we can do nothing about our appendix and we don’t need it anyway. What’s up with that?

While we are examining the superfluous, what is the purpose of eyebrows? Seriously? If you look that up, you’ll only get hypothetical channeling of sweat and facial expressions. Facial expressions – seriously? What would we possibly be if we couldn’t furl our brows, knit our brows, or raise an eyebrow?

Just for giggles, watch this little girl discover her eyebrows.


And let’s analyze the other “purpose”. Unless you have a unibrow, what good is it to have them separated – leaving a gaping hole in the middle for sweat to pour through? They are as worthless as a bow-legged goalie.

So, the only actual functional eyebrow is the unibrow – that people pluck, wax, and shave to get rid of because no one wants to get caught with an unsightly unibrow.


When I was a boy, my hair was so blond that my eyebrows were nearly invisible. In fact, I’ve been told that I checked the mirror often for them and wouldn’t believe I had eyebrows at all. My hair has darkened over the years and sometime in my early forties, I was sitting in the barber’s chair when out of the blue, she asked, “Do you want your eyebrow hair trimmed?”

We were friends until the point where she crossed that line. I silently pondered her question, finally deciding that she wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t need them trimmed and I elected to have her do so.

But this caused a stirring of several questions. Why do they grow now? Why does God mock us with ridiculous extra hair as we age? I bought a shaver to take care of God’s little joke from now on. It has a guard so that I won’t cut them too close and most of the time I remember to check it.

Then one day, I discovered a purpose for eyebrows!

As with many scientific discoveries, it happened quite by accident. A check in the mirror showed many crazy hairs and I pulled out the shaver – you guessed it, without the guard. In an instant, my right eyebrow was gone. I stood there looking at myself in disbelief just like when I was a boy.

Once one is gone, you pretty much have to shave the other to even it out.

And there it is!

The purpose of eyebrows is to keep people from looking at you like you are a complete moron. Because when they are gone, people sure do stare.