If You Give a Mouse a Cookie – A Cautionary Husband’s Tale

If you give your wife a gallon of paint, she’ll probably hand you the brush.

When she hands you the brush, she will likely want the bathroom painted quickly.

When the bathroom is painted, she will notice the rust on the shower curtain rod.

Once the curtain rod is new, she’ll say it needs a new curtain.

After the shower curtain is replaced, she will point out that the towels don’t match.

When she buys new towels, she’ll discover the towel holders are old.

In replacing the towel holders, you’ll probably make large holes in the drywall.

After you patch the holes you made, you’ll have to repaint that part of the wall.


Just when you think you’re finished, you’ll notice you spilled paint on the carpet.

When you scream (potentially a naughty word) in anger, your wife will say “Oh well, we need tile anyway.”

After you tile the bathroom, she’ll mention the toilet doesn’t belong.

When the new toilet is installed, you’ll glare at your betrothed and wonder what she will happen upon next.

Your wife, in return, will peck you on the cheek and say, “This looks good, darling. Come have a seat in your chair. I made you fresh cookies. Want some milk? Oh, and while you’re here, have you seen the state of the den?”



This cautionary tale is partially fiction. My lovely wife was very satisfied with the paint, shower curtain rod, shower curtain, and towels – after I fixed holes I made in the drywall and may or may not have used a potty word (tree falling in the forest).

Regardless… Husbands – heed the moral of the story:

Don’t ever believe that a gallon of paint promising to be a $25 room refresh will cost only $25!


A Simple Coat of Paint

A $30 can of paint is a really a can of infinite possibilities. When you choose a color it can be any of a thousand beautiful options with exotic names that seem to have little relevance to their actual shade. Since our budget has never been huge, I learned early on that you can soothe your wife’s desire for change all for the cost of a gallon or two of paint. Better she change out the wall color than me!

“Old Reliable” – my tired, well-worn brush testifies that I’ve painted every wall in our house at least once. It also decries its hatred of wallpaper.

The walls of hell are covered in wallpaper because it is an invention and tool of Satan, himself. Just behind infidelity, I am sure wallpaper is the number two reason for divorce in our country. Yes, wallpaper is the irreconcilable difference. In our starter home, our master bath had thirteen foot walls so crooked they looked like they were constructed by a crew of drunk chimpanzees. My lovely wife chose wallpaper for it. I blame this on inexperience not maliciousness – but do you know what style she chose? Wide, vertical, stripes! So dopey me gets the supplies and spends days pasting, fuming, and screaming (I’ll not quote myself here). I am surprised I didn’t do permanent damage to myself or my marriage. There came a moment in the struggle to hang a particularly long piece when I made this supplication to God: Read More