On Social Convention

I’d like to register a complaint. Actually, I have several. I’m not sure who to talk to and perhaps I would have to build a time machine and go back into history to right this wrong. But do you ever look at some accepted social convention and wonder,

What the **insert appropriate word here depending on your degree of anger** were they thinking?


Seriously! There are so many things we accept because tradition demands it and quite frankly, I’m sick of it!

  • How did all of the fathers of sons get together and force their counterparts to pay for weddings?
  • What about curse words? Who got to rank their value and decide that seventeen can’t be said while the other 1,035,860 are okay?
  • Who developed finger protocol? One points, two hail a cab or make a sign for peace, three mean you’re always prepared, a fist for protest, and then the special one saved for correcting poor drivers.

How did things like this happen? Did these mores evolve over time or is there one person responsible like a Wizard of Oz who just pulled levers at his whim and the forced the Lollipop Guild to live by his fancy? If so, I would like to pull back the curtain and slap him because he has messed us all up.

One more accepted norm that I’m particularly incensed about at the moment. Who decided glass and breakable ceramics should be what we use to eat, drink, and store foody things? Why is that a good idea? Further – with all of these breakable things about, why do we buy solid surface counters like granite. Geology 101 taught me that granite is a rock and every boy got in trouble for throwing rocks at some point. I can’t even imagine the consequences if I had hurled a rock at my mother’s china. So based on every boy’s experience, rocks and foody things are a bad combination.


Then we grow up, become men, and at the behest of our wives invest serious cash in solid surfaces on which we break kitchenware.

Does anyone else see a problem here? Something that demands change? I want to throw a rock at social convention!

Therefore, I propose all countertops and kitchen flooring should be made of Nerf foam. Likewise, plates, cups, cutlery, and storage containers for foody things should only be made of wood or metal. Think of the benefits and savings. No more broken china – even if a fit of marital rage demands throwing the gravy boat! No regrets in the morning because the metal boat bounced right back up onto the Nerf counter intact. Pure genius.


***This proposal brought to you by the man currently in line at Target buying his fifth glass canister to hold his coffee grounds because his big, clumsy mitts can’t seem to properly grasp the lids…