20 Questions for Vegas

October 14, 2015.Reading time 4 minutes.

My wife and I spent the weekend in Vegas, BABY!

It’s not what you think. We aren’t really the Vegas type. There was a charity event we were invited to attend and it was filled with lovely people doing amazing work. That part of our trip was truly a beautiful experience.

Our First Red Carpet... ever! — Our First Red Carpet… ever!

Other parts were more alarming to my sense of dignity. In fact, I wondered how the people we met at the event reconciled their existence in Las Vegas with the rest of what I saw until I was told that the average citizen never goes down to the strip unless they work there. It may be the reason for the city, but it is also the reason residents avoid the city.

Despite all of its perverse charm, the people watching in Las Vegas is exquisite. So many questions churn in the mind as you take in the experience. In no particular order, I present my top 20 questions:

Dear old man, what is the allure of playing slots alone the entire hour my wife and I are eating lunch?
What must I do to get my bathrobe put in a rotating display case in a casino?
To the kid with the cardboard sign, Help Me Buy Weed – do you think we all didn’t see that on the internet and if you have a connection, why do you need my change?
Who shops at Victoria’s Secret… in the airport?
Vegas fashion
Can you make one retail store without slot machines?
To the parents playing blackjack while their two children slept in strollers… Really?
How can I pay a cabby when all of your ATM’s only dispense $100 bills?
How many regrets come out of the tattoo parlor in the hotel/casino lobby?
If you could harness the collective ego of the young men strutting down the strip, could you power the entire city?
Young ladies, are the hotel lobbies really the suitable place for you to audition to be showgirls?
They make the women tall in Vegas
How many psychologists specializing in ways to pull money out of my pocket are employed by the city?
What happened to the cheap food and free buffets?
Did the drunk buying diamonds for his wife, girlfriend, or current table partner at the jewelry store in the casino lobby really think his purchase through?
Is the richest guy in Vegas a casino owner or a plastic surgeon?
I never thought I’d be able to cross “selfie with a lady wearing a kiddie pool” off my bucket list.
How were normal-looking, middle aged people still living the night before when we were checking out to catch our red-eye flight home?
Is an ill-fitted, expensive dress really fashion or is it just another in a long list of poor choices?
If you need that many security guards, are you running a casino or a debtors prison?
Is a Vegas hotel lobby at 5 am the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse?
When do they clean anything in a casino?
Did I just pass Elvis at the Bellagio fountains?

If you’ve had the pleasure of experiencing Vegas, did you have any questions I left out?

The Front of the Parade

December 10, 2014.Reading time 3 minutes.

I dislike parades. Not a little, a lot!

I don’t care about the pageantry or the spectacle. I just get bored. A.D.D.? Maybe. Every time I’m stuck watching them, I can’t find an ounce of enjoyment – I just think about two dozen other things I could be doing. This couldn’t be truer than when I’m at Disneyworld.

My kids, on the other hand, love parades. So when people start lining the streets, they want to stop riding roller coasters and wait. UGH…

Wait for what? Floats. No thank you! If a float doesn’t contain root beer and ice cream, I don’t want it.

I figure with half of the eligible riders standing along the parade route, the lines to the cool things are shorter. Not my family. We wait – and not for the good stuff.

A funny thing happened on our trip last week. We were headed to a ride at the back of the park while people were lining up for the parade. No one with me suggested we stop to watch (miracle), so I powered into the street. We must have been the last ones let out before they closed the rope because we found ourselves about 20 paces in front of the parade with all of its flags and music.

Maybe it was the fact that I was pushing my daughter’s wheelchair, or possibly because I looked so stately and official, but it became apparent that the spectators thought we were supposed to be the ones leading the parade. We all realized it at the same time as they clapped and waved at us.

My kids became confused.

They grouped together.

“Should we pull off and get out of the way?” they wondered.

The oldest asked, “What do we do?”

Of course they looked to me, the leader, the head honcho, the alpha male for direction and what did they find me doing?

Waving

With a dopey grin on my face, I waved back at all of my adoring fans.

♦

When life puts you at the front of the parade, smile and wave!

♦

The kids laughed at me, but it caught on. All of us began waving to the crowd.

You know what? Everyone waved back. The people didn’t think we looked out of place – they just waved at us. I wonder what they thought when the real parade came and they realized we didn’t belong. Oh well, we were gone by then. We walked over half of the parade route unencumbered by the bustling crowd until we got near the ride we wanted. Then we simply ducked into the masses and became one of them – anonymous once more.

I still hate parades… But for a moment, I was the grand marshal.