You Are How You Drive?

I’m just curious, do you think someone’s true personality comes out when they get behind the wheel or does the protection of a ton of metal magnify some suppressed aggression?

Everyone knows “that guy” – the one who is too good to wait in line to merge with the rest of us. So he goes as far as he can, perhaps driving in the median or passing over a solid white line before entering traffic.

Do you think he cuts the bathroom line at the fair or knocks down the old lady at the self-checkout line because she is taking too long? I always wonder.

Yes, I have a specific driver in mind. He drives a white BMW and takes the same route as me to work every day (Although I do so legally and courteously). I am a mellow driver and don’t wrestle with road rage often. When I happen to see him cutting people off, I don’t fume. Rather, I have this dream scenario where I am at the perfect angle to wedge my old truck in front of him and seal off his escape. Then I hop out and interview him like Bob Barker on a game show. Oh, I don’t pummel him (probably), I just humiliate him into contrition – showing him the error in his ways and giving him opportunity to apologize to me as representative of all of the drivers he has treated so rudely over the years.

Funny how life plays out sometimes. I was sitting in the exact spot I had envisioned when I saw him coming up on the shoulder. As fate would have it, the line in front of me started to move at precisely the right time and I had what I think was the voice of Ferris Bueller whispering “Do it” in my ear. So I lurched my truck to the right and cut the imbecile off.


He slammed on his breaks and pounded the horn as I got out of my truck. I wish I’d had the skinny microphone and cheesy tie on – that would have been too perfect. I rounded my truck while he sat red-faced in his ultimate driving maching about to explode in rage. This was gonna be good!

Wearing my best disarming smile, I walked slowly toward his door. I wonder what he thought about the 6’, 3”, grinning, bald guy headed his way. Whatever was going through his dense mind, he didn’t feel compelled to roll down his window as he did in my dream.

Not surprisingly, he was kind of a little fella. I felt like I was forgetting something even though I knew my line was,“Tell him what he’s won, Johnny…. Well Bob, This rude driver will be late to work today!”  (cue applause)

I have to say it got a little awkward with me standing there waiting to talk to him and all the rubberneckers around us wondering what was going on.

What had I forgotten?

Oh yeah, BMW’s go in both forward and reverse. They actually go pretty fast in reverse and spit up all kinds of roadside crap on any wannabe gameshow host who might happen to be standing in front of the car. In a matter of seconds, he was gone. He zoomed around me with a final honk and a proper salute while I watched, dirty and alone.

It was too late for me to go home to change and get to work on time. I just told everyone at the office that I had helped an old lady change her flat tire and let them think I was a saint instead of an idiot…


It’s better that way.


19 thoughts on “You Are How You Drive?

  1. Next Wednesday, I retire from the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension. Though not a cop, I’ve spent twenty-eight years working with cops and the most satisfying times on the job were when the cop I was riding with pulled over some jerk.

    Here is a little insight into human nature, almost anyone can act like a jerk but when most of us are caught at it, we are embarrassed and contrite. The real jerks, don’t know they are jerks and whatever bad happens to them is someone else’s fault.

  2. Good for you! I reckon it was worth the dust that you gave the little bully a fright – hopefully he’ll be a little more polite next time. Definitely one of those cyborg type people who only have strength wearing a pile of metal.

      1. Probably not – although he can ponder the point that there are people out there who aren’t intimidated by him – and bigger than him too. 🙂

  3. ” I just told everyone at the office that I had helped an old lady change her flat tire and let them think I was a saint instead of an idiot…”

    And there is the reality of yet another of my fantasies! Thank you for helping me avoid being the “This was gonna be good!” guy
    (and for yet another dose of The Roaring Laughters!)

  4. Hahahahaha. That’s hilarious. You actually stopped traffic to confront this guy? Wow. You’ve got guts. It’s something that I’d think of doing, but probably wouldn’t have the guts.
    By the way, how do you see this guy often on the road? You must both have the same driving schedule.

  5. So love your writing! I loved not surprising that he was a little guy! Funny how people feel so brave behind their steering wheels with the windows rolled up! Also I’ve noticed those same people (probably) hide behind their keyboards making comments on random sites. I’ve always found those fighting people interesting and a little pathetic. Love you calling out this little fella. Sorry he muddied your clothes! Even so, you made your point as he roped away with his window still up! 😏

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