Virgil’s Grooming Tips for Boys

As a boy, the last thing you need in the morning is a mirror.  That’s wasted wall space, I say!  I don’t know about you, but I’ve got about three minutes from the time I finally wake up until the first school bells ring.  So checking my hair just ain’t gonna happen.  Teachers don’t really care what you look like, as long as you’re in your seat when class starts.  Once in a while my teacher will get a little angry if my hair is standing so high that little Myra Holsted behind me can’t see, or if it’s so ratty that a kid like Myra can’t quit looking at it.  Ms. Singer calls it a distraction, but I think she’s just jealous that I’m getting attention.

hair

It all starts when mom gets you out of bed.  After she makes whatever threat finally gets you to sit up, you should run your hands over your head to see what’s going on up there.  Most of the time, you’ll find one of three things:

1.  The Rooster Tail   Those are my favorite.  They won’t sit down for nothing.  It doesn’t matter if you pour a whole cup of water on your head, it’ll pop right back up like a spring.  A rooster tail tells the world, “I’m messy and proud of it!”

2.  The Crazy Cowlick   It’s like a tornado on your head.  The more you mess with it, the more it swirls out of control.  Good luck trying to figure out a way to cover it up – whatever style your ma makes you try, it’ll storm right back out madder than before.  Might as well shave it.  But a warning, moms get mad when you cut your own hair.  I’m not sure why, but once I cut my cowlick and it looked ugly like a big old capital Q on my head AND I got paddled – Not a banner day.

3.  The Pork Chop   This is a big lump in your hair that can show up anywhere, but mostly comes in the back where your head rested on the pillow.  Even if you do look in the mirror, you likely can’t see the pork chop anyway.  I’ve had them big enough to hide a book or my lunch pail inside.  Water can tame this one, but I like them because people have to stand further away from you than normal.  When you have a pork chop, it’s like having a little bubble between you and the other kids in your class.

The whole key to this is getting out the door without mom grabbing you for an inspection.  If you get caught, she is bound to try and fix what you worked all night to make.  Worse yet, she’ll likely use her finger as a spit comb, which even I think is gross.  History would show that if I spit on someone’s hair, I get in big trouble!  But she can hold me down and rub her spit all over my head to make me look better?   Where’s the right in that?  Anyway, she’s usually in the kitchen when I get going and I’m so fast that most days I can zoom out the front door before she ever sees me.  If I hear her milling around by the stairs, I throw a flat cap on and make a dash for open air.  I don’t like wearing caps much because most boys have them nowadays and I like to be different.

You got any hair tips for me?

 

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