A friend of mine tried to sabotage my marriage. Can you believe that?
I recall some flirting by a waiter about fifteen years ago and a college boyfriend declared his undying love for her shortly after our engagement, but I don’t think such an overt attempt to break us up has ever happened – at least not to my knowledge.
I typically don’t use my blog to hurl darts or call people out, but I feel like I need to shoot this so-called “friend” down so that he doesn’t attempt subterfuge that may cause harm to another happy couple.
In order to root out the culprit, let me establish a timeline of events on the night of December 30th, 2016:
6 pm – My lovely wife and I split up (temporarily – for the evening only!!) – she went to meet her college friends and I went to this “friend’s” fireworks display.
9 pm – After the fireworks, said “friend” invites me into his home where he subtly offers a bowl of some type of toxic bean soup.
10 pm – I say my thanks and goodbyes, not knowing the treachery that lies ahead.
10:45 pm – Something gently stirs within me on the ride home and it is definitely NOT the warm glow of friendship.
11:30 pm – My unsuspecting wife and I – still on good terms at this point – say goodnight and I retire, leaving her in the den with a daughter.
3:30 am – I am roused by an earthquake. I didn’t know we could have such a force majeure in Georgia. I hold onto the bed and wait for another tremor, wondering if I should wake the family to seek shelter.
3:34 am – A conspicuous fog wafting through our room instantly changes my Act of God theory to an Act of Me. Although it is a cold night, I reach for the remote to our ceiling fan in a desperate attempt to disperse the mist in our midst.
3:45 am – Amazed that my lovely wife’s slumber has not been disturbed, I slowly drift back to sleep.
4:22 am – I am shocked awake again by a violent rumbling that demands attention. I will spare the details except to say that no one was hurt when the porcelain exploded and by some miracle, my wife slept through the thunderous aftershocks.
4:59 am – Someone threw a concussion grenade into our bedroom. The facts and explanation remain unknown.
5:27 am – The dogs begin whining and begging to go outside. I assume their motivation is twofold:
- a) to escape the odor
- b) to escape the blame they typically incur for such smells.
6:05 am – Now awake for good, I find the room not safe for human habitation. It seems the cats are wearing radiation indicator dots and have constructed a very sophisticated air curtain system in our doorway. I take refuge with them in the den and hope that my lovely wife and our marriage lived through the night.
9:13 am – She groggily stumbles out of our room. The cats greet her enthusiastically when they realize she has miraculously survived.
10:45 am – The cats and I don hazmat suits and carefully sweep the bedroom with dosimeters I didn’t know we owned. Everything seems clear.
So, Snidely Whiplash, you have failed in your underhanded attempt to break up our marriage. Your bean-filled poison, although potent, seems to also possess a strong anesthetic effect on its victims. And plus, after nearly twenty-five years, she is a hardened veteran of this type of assault.
24 thoughts on “A Friend’s Betrayal ”
I hate when that happens!
Hope you are feeling 100% better!
Too great of writing to not stop by and comment!
Thanks – we are all better now. Everyone seems to have survived.
OMgoodness, and you had me fooled until I saw the police sketch! You poor thing. Next time just say you are already full…bless it.
I will not accept bean soup from a stranger again! (Repeat over and over again.)
As long as it was just as good going in as going out, I would say, it was worth it. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year. It tasted good, but I’m not sure we can agree on the latter.
By the title, I knew you had something wicked and wonderful waiting here.
What’s a woman to think if her loving husband knowingly partakes in an entire can of baked beans? Is that the equivalent of being served the papers?
If so, I get served about once/week 😉
I guess it depends on the relationship – how “open” it is. Maybe there should be a bean addendum to the contract.
Note to self: PRE-NUP!
NEW RULE: Do not (DO NOT) eat anything with beans in it that your wife, herself, did not prepare!!!
Haha. She stopped serving beans long ago. They wreck havoc with two of the kids and she gave up. So she knows I get my beans elsewhere.
Ha ha- knew right away what was up with this one:-) Just keep the covers down, crack a window and you are good, and make sure you aim away from the wife!
Aim is important, but drift is hard to compensate for.
it’s a good night for camping outside when that happens)
Yes. I should have camped.
You had me laughing at 10 PM! I knew exactly what was right around the corner!! Hope you’re feeling better!!!
Much better. And I know not to accept food from “friends”.
😂😂😂😂😂😂 I’m laughing with you… honestly I am
Those tears wouldn’t have been from laughter on the 30th! Good Lord…
Haha.. I do feel sorry for your wife though, glad she survived 😀
This was masterfully-crafted and utterly brilliant, Mark.
Glad to read everyone survived.
Okay and wiser here in Georgia.
Too too funny and what many a couple has gone through after having been together for some time 😉
Yes, we tend to save the best for each other.