I had a dream!
Note my declaration is past tense meaning there is no similarity in weight or profundity to Dr. King’s Dream. No, I had a dream that scared me enough to rouse me from my deep slumber to ensure the security of my homestead. You know, that hazy stumble to check the locks on the doors, ignoring the fact that if someone wanted in badly enough, a locked door wouldn’t stop them.
Because I didn’t fully wake, I don’t recall the entire dream, mostly just the impact it had on me – then later, the impact it had on others. I am a very deep sleeper. For years I have said that comes from having a clean conscience. I’m not sure that is true, I just say it to make myself sound righteous.
This dream involved a thief. But he wasn’t just any thief, he was after one thing: our light bulbs. I have heard of houses being stripped of all their copper tubing, never their bulbs. We switched to compact fluorescent long before the government told us we had to. I wonder if I harbor a subconscious grudge about paying more for light bulbs now and my dream was anti-government. Or maybe I’m against the technology that takes ten to fifteen seconds to brighten the room whenever I flip a switch. I’m like everyone else, when I want light, I want it immediately. Who knows, but this thief had the old time black mask. I somehow saw him in my mind before I got up, which should have been my first clue that he didn’t exist.
Retrieving my trusty Louisville Slugger from behind the bed, I slowly walked out to the den and checked one door, club at the ready. (Yes, I am an Army certified expert marksman who doesn’t keep a weapon in the house – unless you are a bad guy, and then I have an arsenal.) Door one, secure. Stumble on to door two – secure. The kitchen is declared safe. Front door, fine. Back door, copacetic. Even in my foggy state, something told me not to try the stairs…I didn’t listen to myself.
I stormed downward, ‘Old Hickory’ at the ready, around the strategically positioned sectionals all facing the TV screen, all the way to the door which was tightly locked. Hmmm, nothing to worry about. A yawn. A scratch. I drag my old bat like the Mighty Casey trudging back to the dugout and went to sleep.
Little did I know that to the television watchers in the basement, I had become the entertainment for the evening. I never realized they were there.
Two things to preface the story:
1 Because I rise so early. I typically fall asleep long before the rest of my family. Often in a chair or on the floor where I pick myself up from a puddle of drool, then wearily migrate to bed…which is a problem because:
2. It’s kind of a nightly crapshoot as to whether I have the acumen to dress properly….
I don’t know who was in my basement, or what stage of dress I was in. I haven’t heard from the sheriff’s office, so I assume I was covered. Now that I think about it, I wonder if the bulb thief himself was down there eating my chips and drinking my Dr. Pepper!
If I had had one brain synapse firing, I could have just flipped a switch and known if my bulbs were gone.
But I would have had to wait those accursed 10 to 15 seconds!
13 thoughts on “The Light Bulb Thief”
so funny )))))) oops!
This is awesome! May I reblog it for my Tuesday Reblog today? 🙂
I am a light sleeper, but I used to sleepwalk/talk all the time as a kid, apparently. The one time I woke up in the middle, I was dreaming that a giant had captured my little brother and was going to make mincemeat of him, but I learned that for some reason I could save him if I just put one of my belts outside the door. (Hey, I never claimed to be logical–even when awake!)
So I got out of bed, went to my closet, took a belt off the hook, opened the door . . . and there was my dad coming down the hall. “What are you doing?” he asked, as I put my belt on the floor.
“Um . . . ” I said, “I just . . . I had to do something.” I slammed the door and jumped back into bed. My brother was okay the next morning, and I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that was the last time I dreamed about giants. Which, come to think about it, is kind of a big deal, because I used to dream about them a lot.
Please do reblog!
Wow, you dreamt in technicolor as a child. That’s a great one. I wonder why the belt… Hmmmm
I still do–though not as often.
As for the belt, I don’t know, but I’m guessing it wasn’t for any reasons you might possibly be imagining. I personified my belts in my head because I had favourites and sometimes I worried that the ones that weren’t, would feel bad that I didn’t wear them as often. It was probably suppressed guilt.
You are wonderfully twisted! lol
I LOVE that description. I might have business cards made.
Go for it I say! Wave your twisted flag proudly 🙂
Reblogged this on That's a Jenn Story and commented:
The Tuesday Reblog
This story’s so funny . . . plus, if you read it, you get a two-fer, because I practically wrote my own post in the comments.
Gahaha! Very funny -poor you! I have the opposite problem. I wake if a feather leaks out of my pillow and strikes the carpet. As for the bulb delay frustration, I get you there, buddy… great post. Thanks, btw, for your visit, like and follow… I look forward to following you and for more stuff like this! 🙂 Mother Hen
Thanks, glad you enjoyed. Sorry about the light sleeping. Of course, if there is an intruder, I will sleep through it and you can scare him away.😜