A Bastion of Good Advice

March 11, 2015.Reading time 3 minutes.

It’s a word! And not to be confused with another of similar sound (most of the time).

Late in my daughter’s senior year, I was given the task of sharing advice as she headed to college. I believe I offered sound, excellent advice that is good for anyone who is forced into a new situation.

I humbly submit my advice:

The best way to deal with the problems of life after high school by sharing them with intimate friends. Making friends who won’t

a) drag you down, or

b) be a complete time and emotional drain.

This can be hard.

Your mother isn’t good at these things, so I’m going to give you some advice that has helped me through many new beginnings. First, you have to identify a friend target. Look for someone with whom you may have things in common and approach cautiously. Once within range, start a generic conversation. If you get those initial, warm feelings that they might be suitable as a friend, loosen up and fart. It doesn’t have to be a chair-rattler – just a little shooter. If they act startled and remove themselves from your company, they weren’t meant for you. If they are unfazed or better yet, laugh with you, you might have the makings of a friend.

The next step to further test your friendship is to pick a conspicuous moment about a week later and up the ante with another fart, building some resonance and duration to the effort. (It would be best to have some broccoli or chili the evening prior to the second salvo to add smell, really testing their resolve.) If at this point, you haven’t run the poor kid off, you may just have the beginnings of a wonderful friendship – the kind you’ll need to weather the storms of life.

Of course, farting is an allegory for sharing feelings of fear, doubt, uncertainty, homesickness, loneliness, and/or angst. Either will work for this exercise, but farting is by far funnier and more memorable. Think about the stories you’ll have looking back on your very first encounter. Good luck.

Remember we are always here for you, but we know the face you make when you’re gassy.

Now you may consider the other word…

A Slightly Odd Obsession

March 4, 2015.Reading time 4 minutes.

I have an admission to make. It is slightly embarrassing, this thing. I had an inkling that something lay festering beneath the surface. Year upon year of building desire should have been a clue. Until last weekend, I had no idea it had become as prolific as recent evidence has shown it to be. I have an obsession – nothing that should hold legal ramifications or moral apprehension, but an obsession nonetheless.

It started innocently enough, as most obsessions do. A look… a secret longing… a caress that eventually leads to some form of grip and holding. A yearning – it forces me to spend hard-earned money to acquire the object of my desire. Hot, steamy, satisfying! I have to have them. I am not tied to one body style, I love all shapes and sizes. I love them for what is inside and the shallow portion of me loves them for their outward appearance as well.

Travel mugs. I love them nearly as much as the coffee they contain. I confess that I can’t have just one. I need many. My lovely wife discovered this in cleaning out the pantry. My collection seems to have grown wildly over the years. They were stuffed in every nook and cranny of the little closet, taking up too much room.

Something had to give, so she said.

But what do I do? Do I let go of some? Donate or dispose? Is there a place to recycle crazy obsessions? Does anyone else have a stupid collection like this or is it just me? I would be lying if I said they all served a purpose. Actually, some have never been used – a few just looked appealing in the store but were either impractical or not functionally optimal.

For instance, why would any company make a travel mug that doesn’t fit in a standard size cup holder? It’s the cruelest of jokes because the consumer brings it home, fills it lovingly with the finest java only to have it spill all over the floorboard of the car when rounding the corner a block from home.

What do you do with the one so poorly designed that my nose gets in the way of taking a full drink? I’m no Cyrano De de Bergerac, either. Normal nose – yet after the third sip, I have to crane my neck so far back just to get a drink that I am no longer able to see the road. I’m too old for that kind of exercise.

Note the big tankard in back left. Yes, I Like Big Mugs and I Cannot Lie. But seriously, it holds so much coffee that it is cold by the time you get halfway through.

LW said some of them had to go. I think she was jealous of my obsession – she didn’t like the thought of me holding so many other things in high regard. I begged for a little corner of the pantry to hold my collection, but she pointed to the Mickey Mouse waffle iron, popcorn machine, coffee grinder, and a couple of other little-used appliances I have bought on a whim that take up valuable storage space.

And so, I reluctantly pared down my coffee mug collection. I threw out a couple and donated the others in the hopes that someone else would appreciate them.

The irony of this whole situation is that I have an extremely short commute.