Beyond This Door

“There is a door that leads to beauty and light wrapped in great mystery,” the prophet said as she stood in front of the yellow door. “Follow me. I can take you there.”

A small crowd gathered around the soothsayer, listening intently to her words.

“Beyond this door there is freedom,” she promised. “There are worlds yet unclaimed.”

“Have you been there?” a doubter from the crowd asked.

“Yes. I have seen what lies beyond and it is sweet. Together we can see this place. Together we can leave this mundane existence and experience a better life.”

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This may sound like the beginnings of a freakshow you’d see on Netflix or something you’d witness any night in Time’s Square, but it actually happened in my basement. As we built out the large room that holds my pool table and JB’s dance floor, I got a set of bi-fold doors for our storage room which allowed me to leave the opening five feet wide. Lately, this opening has been the source of family controversy.

I always know when JB has been down there because she leaves the fan on. A few weeks ago, I went downstairs and found the fan blade turning as well as one of the storage room doors open.

“JB, you left the storage room door open!” I hollered.

“I didn’t go in the storage room,” she replied.

Round and round the blame game went and as usually happens, no one emerged victorious. The blame game has no winners besides anger, spite, and sometimes bitterness.It’s really a game left to professionals – amateurs only wound leave marks.

A few days later my lovely wife left the door open and I chided the whole family for their negligence.

“The cats could get lost or hurt in there,” I reminded them. “The walls aren’t finished so they could get to the water heater or into my workshop and who knows what could happen!”

The next time we found it open I was the only potential culprit and innocent though I was, I heard a great deal of murmuring. Rightfully so…

The mystery grew until we postulated that our curious cat had figured out that she could put her paw under the bi-fold door and pull it open. I scoffed until one day I found her sitting contentedly on my workbench with sawdust stuck in her whiskers.

I held the doorknobs together with a rubber band, but the little criminal beat that one out too. She could pull it enough to get in, but the doors closed behind her and she couldn’t get out.

IMG_8450Now we have a child-lock on the doors. We often find her perched staring at the doors and more than a few times, her curious feline minions are watching. Sometimes we hear banging as she tries to bulldoze her way into the promised land, but she hasn’t figured out the system yet. The lock seems to be working, but after the past few weeks, I’m not betting against the prophet.

2013 in Review by a Cat with No Name

At the end of 2012, Kitty came into our “house of creative naming” as a timid little barn cat whose family had all been killed by coyotes.  At first, she hid under everything and full days went by when we wouldn’t see her.  That all changed when she realized that the humans around her were just vassals in need of a lord, and she has ruled contentedly ever since.  So, for a look back, I thought it would be nice to get her perspective on 2013.

Approach the throne.  image

I understand you would like me to tell you about my year.  As you wish.

First of all, those two dog-things got into my food bowl twice – a punishable offense.  When I say, “Off with their heads!” I do not mean send them outside.  The two-legged folk are very weak on that point.

This place is nice overall.  I have six humans who fight each other to make a throne for me.  When I choose the lucky place, the winner taunts the others smugly.  They have yet to figure out that I chose by blanket, not by human.

They feed me adequately.  But I have decreed that my food shall be whole kibbles at all times and have turned my nose up at it several times when only crumbs were left.  I have high places to rule from, although there are still two places in the house I cannot reach.  I consider that high treason and expect ramps built in the coming year.  My chief complaint, however, is about the big one – the only man-person.  He wakes me up far too early in the morning by sitting down with the green thing with bright lights.  He calls it his “laptop”, a very name I deem offensive because if I chose to sit on his lap, I  expect it to be available.  I wonder if his woman knows that he can’t keep his hands off that thing.  For hours, he pecks and kneads at it like me fixing a blanket.

I’ve even heard him talking to it, the crazy sot.  Other than that, he only talks about his book and blog anymore, which I don’t understand because I have ordered that I should be the only topic of conversation in the house.  Nevertheless, he raves about any new country, like Mongolia or Kazakhstan, that reads his blog.  And on the rare occasion of a book sale or review, he shows excitement that should be reserved for my Halloween Kitty back stretches.  If this doesn’t stop, I will have to declare martial law here and dispose of the green laptop like the pink collar they tried to put on me.   Haha, yes doggies, I can see colors.

His first book focuses on a chase for a….  a dog –  YES, a dog!  Why a beast as silly as a dog would be the focus of any book is beyond me.  I understand from his morning ranting that the sequel centers around Virgil Creech’s desire to own a cat named Killer.  Good premise, I might read it.  I like the name, but someone should warn the lad that you can never own a cat.  Just like Aslan, we aren’t tame lions.

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Oh, and one more thing.  It’s called feng shui, humans!  Stop cleaning the litter box every time I’m being artistic.

Happy New Year, humans.  I hope 2014 is just purrfect for you and most importantly, your felines.