At the end of 2012, Kitty came into our “house of creative naming” as a timid little barn cat whose family had all been killed by coyotes. At first, she hid under everything and full days went by when we wouldn’t see her. That all changed when she realized that the humans around her were just vassals in need of a lord, and she has ruled contentedly ever since. So, for a look back, I thought it would be nice to get her perspective on 2013.
I understand you would like me to tell you about my year. As you wish.
First of all, those two dog-things got into my food bowl twice – a punishable offense. When I say, “Off with their heads!” I do not mean send them outside. The two-legged folk are very weak on that point.
This place is nice overall. I have six humans who fight each other to make a throne for me. When I choose the lucky place, the winner taunts the others smugly. They have yet to figure out that I chose by blanket, not by human.
They feed me adequately. But I have decreed that my food shall be whole kibbles at all times and have turned my nose up at it several times when only crumbs were left. I have high places to rule from, although there are still two places in the house I cannot reach. I consider that high treason and expect ramps built in the coming year. My chief complaint, however, is about the big one – the only man-person. He wakes me up far too early in the morning by sitting down with the green thing with bright lights. He calls it his “laptop”, a very name I deem offensive because if I chose to sit on his lap, I expect it to be available. I wonder if his woman knows that he can’t keep his hands off that thing. For hours, he pecks and kneads at it like me fixing a blanket.
I’ve even heard him talking to it, the crazy sot. Other than that, he only talks about his book and blog anymore, which I don’t understand because I have ordered that I should be the only topic of conversation in the house. Nevertheless, he raves about any new country, like Mongolia or Kazakhstan, that reads his blog. And on the rare occasion of a book sale or review, he shows excitement that should be reserved for my Halloween Kitty back stretches. If this doesn’t stop, I will have to declare martial law here and dispose of the green laptop like the pink collar they tried to put on me. Haha, yes doggies, I can see colors.
His first book focuses on a chase for a…. a dog – YES, a dog! Why a beast as silly as a dog would be the focus of any book is beyond me. I understand from his morning ranting that the sequel centers around Virgil Creech’s desire to own a cat named Killer. Good premise, I might read it. I like the name, but someone should warn the lad that you can never own a cat. Just like Aslan, we aren’t tame lions.
Oh, and one more thing. It’s called feng shui, humans! Stop cleaning the litter box every time I’m being artistic.
Happy New Year, humans. I hope 2014 is just purrfect for you and most importantly, your felines.