WANTED: Cone of Silence

November 11, 2015.Reading time 5 minutes.

With all of the useful technology being invented daily, how has someone not created a real life Cone of Silence? We can map a human genome, bungee jump without a cord, order a pizza with a tweet and yet we have no cone of silence! The cone of silence was largely responsible for keeping the bumbling Secret Agent Maxwell Smart undercover for five seasons and would you believe, three films!

The cone of silence would be something of real use, especially for men. I have said some really stupid things in my life – most men have. Just like my tantrums and trivial diatribes, I save most of my stupidity for my wife and family. Why waste it on people I don’t care about, right? I won’t regale you with the stupid things I’ve said, the book entitled Somehow I’m Still Married is coming out in 2021 (maybe). There is so much stupidity out there for us all to enjoy – and 2016 is an election year! Stupid is multiplied by four during an election year.

Speaking of stupid, why, Dear God, why do you let televangelists create syntactic combinations of lexicals? Seriously? Why couldn’t they be left out of the phonetic pool? There are good people living authentic lives of love that would be attractive to the lost and searching and they have trouble getting their message out. And then, one day, some dope decides red cups are the most important, despicable, and overtly evil thing in the world and everyone pays attention. Seriously? A cup? If that’s the highest priority on your list, you’ve got it pretty good, pal.

Doesn’t he know that Christians are NOT going to boycott their lattes? Seriously, start talking about taking away Starbucks and church attendance goes way down. After all, the carpets in many churches are coffee brown to bring people and their careless stains inside – red cups and all.

Somebody please invent the Cone of Silence – we now have the perfect test subject!

Of course it will need a remote control and someone must be the authority. Would we have an election for that? I can imagine the debates. There is so much needless tripe spewed at political debates that the cone of silence would be in full use while we tried to pick who got to be its master. No, an election wouldn’t work.

The cone of silence administrator would be such an onerous and powerful position that it would have to be won by some sort of game. That’s it! We could have a huge challenge of The Quiet Game that your mom made you play on car trips and whoever wins becomes the Quiet King and controls the cone of silence for seven years.

The original Quite Kings - The Darling Boys — The original Quite Kings – The Darling Boys

I am quite sure it would hover over me sometimes, but it would be for my own good and the good of my relationships. I can accept that. There would probably have to be a blimp sized one ready to deploy at anywhere a televangelist got to address a crowd. And wouldn’t that be good? I have faith in the Quiet King. He knows when to push the button.

Speaking of Kings, I seriously doubt the people at Starbucks hates Jesus. And regardless, I know with complete certainty that Jesus loves the people at Starbucks. So if you have to picket, protest the Tall and Grande sizes because there is nothing grande about getting a miniature cup of coffee at those prices, regardless of its color.

Workers of the World UNITE!

October 21, 2015.Reading time 3 minutes.

I never understood the purpose for labor unions. I always thought they were mainly the reason for inflated car prices and jobs moving overseas. I’ve seen several movies about them where they are portrayed as corrupt fronts for mafia crime. Who needs that? The internet seems to agree with their general seediness – so it has to be true.

Okay, I do see the historical need for child labor laws and protection for workers in dangerous industries such as mining and longshoremen. I have no idea what a longshoreman is, but I want to be one because would be awesome on a business card:

Mark Myers
Longshoreman

But seriously, bakers need a union?

While we’re at it, check these out:

The International Union of Allied Novelty and Production Workers (protecting against heinous rubber chicken incidents since 1957)

Jockey’s Guild (working hard in the fight against hemorrhoids and saddle sores)

Programmers Guild (mostly an online dating site for COBOL users – like Ashley Madison, all they need is a few women.)

Don’t even get me started with pro sports unions! Seriously? Those pampered athletes have no clue what the working class goes through (unless you weigh over 250 and can bench press much more than that – then you know everything, sir and I apologize for disparaging your very necessary collective bargaining organization.)

I didn’t think there was a reason for organized labor until today. Now I know. I have been trod upon by big business and I’m not going to take it any longer. I am calling for an all-out strike of my industry. No longer will we accept adverse working conditions and subhuman treatment. We won’t be subjected to an unproductive environment that demeans our very existence. For too long we have moiled and toiled, sweated blood, and sold our souls for the common good of no one other than The Man. It is time for a change.