A Friend’s Betrayal

January 4, 2017.Reading time 4 minutes.

A friend of mine tried to sabotage my marriage. Can you believe that?

I recall some flirting by a waiter about fifteen years ago and a college boyfriend declared his undying love for her shortly after our engagement, but I don’t think such an overt attempt to break us up has ever happened – at least not to my knowledge.

I typically don’t use my blog to hurl darts or call people out, but I feel like I need to shoot this so-called “friend” down so that he doesn’t attempt subterfuge that may cause harm to another happy couple.

In order to root out the culprit, let me establish a timeline of events on the night of December 30^th, 2016:

6 pm – My lovely wife and I split up (temporarily – for the evening only!!) – she went to meet her college friends and I went to this “friend’s” fireworks display.

9 pm – After the fireworks, said “friend” invites me into his home where he subtly offers a bowl of some type of toxic bean soup.

Exhibit A

3442031150_ba9d1cc1e9 — police artist rendering

10 pm – I say my thanks and goodbyes, not knowing the treachery that lies ahead.

10:45 pm – Something gently stirs within me on the ride home and it is definitely NOT the warm glow of friendship.

11:30 pm – My unsuspecting wife and I – still on good terms at this point – say goodnight and I retire, leaving her in the den with a daughter.

3:30 am – I am roused by an earthquake. I didn’t know we could have such a force majeure in Georgia. I hold onto the bed and wait for another tremor, wondering if I should wake the family to seek shelter.

3:34 am – A conspicuous fog wafting through our room instantly changes my Act of God theory to an Act of Me. Although it is a cold night, I reach for the remote to our ceiling fan in a desperate attempt to disperse the mist in our midst.

3:45 am – Amazed that my lovely wife’s slumber has not been disturbed, I slowly drift back to sleep.

4:22 am – I am shocked awake again by a violent rumbling that demands attention. I will spare the details except to say that no one was hurt when the porcelain exploded and by some miracle, my wife slept through the thunderous aftershocks.

4:59 am – Someone threw a concussion grenade into our bedroom. The facts and explanation remain unknown.

5:27 am – The dogs begin whining and begging to go outside. I assume their motivation is twofold:

a) to escape the odor
b) to escape the blame they typically incur for such smells.

6:05 am – Now awake for good, I find the room not safe for human habitation. It seems the cats are wearing radiation indicator dots and have constructed a very sophisticated air curtain system in our doorway. I take refuge with them in the den and hope that my lovely wife and our marriage lived through the night.

9:13 am – She groggily stumbles out of our room. The cats greet her enthusiastically when they realize she has miraculously survived.

10:45 am – The cats and I don hazmat suits and carefully sweep the bedroom with dosimeters I didn’t know we owned. Everything seems clear.

So, Snidely Whiplash, you have failed in your underhanded attempt to break up our marriage. Your bean-filled poison, although potent, seems to also possess a strong anesthetic effect on its victims. And plus, after nearly twenty-five years, she is a hardened veteran of this type of assault.

Meatness

October 12, 2016.Reading time 4 minutes.

I’m a fairly open-minded bloke. I actually like to hear differing opinions if they are well thought-out and can be communicated civilly. I typically refuse to argue a point because it doesn’t change anyone. As a rule, I don’t delve into politics often because they tend to divide. I like to think of myself as a uniter.

I live in the ultra-conservative southeast and I love it there. Recently I found myself preparing for a west coast trip. Before I left, a friend warned me about the liberal tripe I would be exposed to “out there”.

Surprisingly, I didn’t find IT. I supposed it is all in what you are looking for and what glasses you use to frame your view.

My lovely wife and I walked to dinner holding hands and there were other couples holding hands. Like us and not like us. We spoke to people – none of whom talked like us but we understood each other once they slowed down and we listened more intently. Both sides working a little but it really didn’t take much effort to facilitate conversation.

I was about to text my friend and tell him he was a paranoid idiot when IT happened! I was seated at breakfast and I became uncomfortable with a person nearby. The tables were too close together at this place and she was quite obviously different than me. We did not belong together. I considered asking the waiter to move me as she began giving her order. She was…

(OH THE HORROR!)

A vegetarian!

As she ordered her breakfast, I thought of many reasons why I could not be a vegetarian:

First, I really like meat.

Second, I’m not sure my family could put up with me if I ate only fibrous plants.

Third, the effort it took for her to make her dietary needs expressed is beyond my intelligence level. I only have to grunt and say “pig!”

Speaking of pig, I had three varieties on my plate within smell of her. The three divine pork food groups: bacon, sausage, and ham. Right there, on the plate beside her. Funny thing is, she didn’t ask to be moved or turn her nose up at me. She was so different, but she seemed to accept the difference. I had just shredded a piece of bacon with my teeth and gored a sausage as my next victim when she said hello.

“Why would this person of vegetable persuasion talk to me?” I wondered.

I responded awkwardly as I wiped the pig fat from my chin and what followed was a very pleasant conversation between meat lover and vegetarian. She didn’t seem to judge me for my meatness and I didn’t condemn her vegetableness and we got along swimmingly. We didn’t try to win the other over and I actually liked her even though I still prefer meat.

Huh?

Could it be that vegetarians are people too?

Can I survive their difference although we may never agree on what a fork should spear?

Good thing I get to go back to the Southeast where meat is revered. But wait, I hear vegetarians are migrating everywhere because we haven’t found a way to close borders as effectively as we can seal minds yet. What will become of our narrow little worlds if we are all mixed together with people who are different than us?