Neither Hot nor Cold

There comes a time in everyone’s life when technology passes you by. It seems my time has come. I’ve recently described my tempestuous relationship with our microwave (which is no better) and I am constantly struggling with my wifi, iPhone, and all things Bluetooth. My latest brouhaha is with our thermostat – and it isn’t the constant battle for supremacy between husband and wife; I lost that long ago. No, my new thermostat seems to be trying to bring religion along with total home comfort.

At the end of last summer, our upstairs air conditioner stopped working. I called the man who said the AC needed something fairly inexpensive (WIN), but both of our furnaces were in need of replacement (LOSS). Our house is eighteen years old; it is that time when systems fail. So we bit the bullet.

Along with the systems, we got a high-tech thermostat that I named Coolio (Dad joke….) I find it awesome that I can manipulate the temperature of my house with an app on my phone! Sometimes I change it a degree or two just because I can. It makes me feel some measure of control even though I know I have none.

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When my oldest came home from school and saw it mounted on the wall she said, “we aren’t nearly cool enough for that!”

“Au contraire, mon ami,” I exclaimed. “It doesn’t take being cool, it just takes a big check.”

Coolio and I have lived in harmony since September. He did a great job through winter of keeping the house warm. The AC man came back out recently  for a spring tune-up and said our main unit was getting close to wearing out. I told him my bank account was to and we agreed on a band-aid for this year.

And then came the season of in-between: when Atlanta’s indecisive weather can be 35 in the morning and 80 in the afternoon. Coolio was set on heat AND cool for those days… only it didn’t cool. The poor fan blew and blew but never turned off. The air wasn’t coolio.

Fear crept into my heart Friday. I began to prepare for the phone call that would cost another $5000 and bemoaned all the fun I could have with that money.

On Saturday I decided we were past the need of early morning heat and just switched Coolio to cool. To my amazement, when it signaled the air conditioner… it worked. Cold air blew through the registers. It’s a springtime miracle!

Like any old codger, I began pondering the technological facts – searching for reasons that elude me.

Heat / Cool

Hot / Cold

Hot nor Cold

That’s when it dawned on me: Coolio is quoting scripture. He’s proselytizing me… calling me out.

“So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth.”    –Revelation 3:16

Now I don’t mind if Coolio is some crazy street-corner prophet. I can ignore that as easy as I do the pearly-toothed televangelist. After all, I barely go down the hall. But what if God is really speaking to me through my thermostat? Is Coolio right? Am I lukewarm???

I mean, God spoke to Balaam through his donkey, why not use a thermostat in today’s day and age?

I don’t know what’s going on here. I’m just glad I don’t have to get a new AC right now. But if Coolio flashes an address for me to send a donation in exchange for healing, I’ll know he’s in cahoots with the televangelists. When that day comes, Coolio will be Gonio.

 

 

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie – A Cautionary Husband’s Tale

If you give your wife a gallon of paint, she’ll probably hand you the brush.

When she hands you the brush, she will likely want the bathroom painted quickly.

When the bathroom is painted, she will notice the rust on the shower curtain rod.

Once the curtain rod is new, she’ll say it needs a new curtain.

After the shower curtain is replaced, she will point out that the towels don’t match.

When she buys new towels, she’ll discover the towel holders are old.

In replacing the towel holders, you’ll probably make large holes in the drywall.

After you patch the holes you made, you’ll have to repaint that part of the wall.

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Just when you think you’re finished, you’ll notice you spilled paint on the carpet.

When you scream (potentially a naughty word) in anger, your wife will say “Oh well, we need tile anyway.”

After you tile the bathroom, she’ll mention the toilet doesn’t belong.

When the new toilet is installed, you’ll glare at your betrothed and wonder what she will happen upon next.

Your wife, in return, will peck you on the cheek and say, “This looks good, darling. Come have a seat in your chair. I made you fresh cookies. Want some milk? Oh, and while you’re here, have you seen the state of the den?”

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This cautionary tale is partially fiction. My lovely wife was very satisfied with the paint, shower curtain rod, shower curtain, and towels – after I fixed holes I made in the drywall and may or may not have used a potty word (tree falling in the forest).

Regardless… Husbands – heed the moral of the story:

Don’t ever believe that a gallon of paint promising to be a $25 room refresh will cost only $25!