Workers of the World UNITE!

October 21, 2015.Reading time 3 minutes.

I never understood the purpose for labor unions. I always thought they were mainly the reason for inflated car prices and jobs moving overseas. I’ve seen several movies about them where they are portrayed as corrupt fronts for mafia crime. Who needs that? The internet seems to agree with their general seediness – so it has to be true.

Okay, I do see the historical need for child labor laws and protection for workers in dangerous industries such as mining and longshoremen. I have no idea what a longshoreman is, but I want to be one because would be awesome on a business card:

Mark Myers
Longshoreman

But seriously, bakers need a union?

While we’re at it, check these out:

The International Union of Allied Novelty and Production Workers (protecting against heinous rubber chicken incidents since 1957)

Jockey’s Guild (working hard in the fight against hemorrhoids and saddle sores)

Programmers Guild (mostly an online dating site for COBOL users – like Ashley Madison, all they need is a few women.)

Don’t even get me started with pro sports unions! Seriously? Those pampered athletes have no clue what the working class goes through (unless you weigh over 250 and can bench press much more than that – then you know everything, sir and I apologize for disparaging your very necessary collective bargaining organization.)

I didn’t think there was a reason for organized labor until today. Now I know. I have been trod upon by big business and I’m not going to take it any longer. I am calling for an all-out strike of my industry. No longer will we accept adverse working conditions and subhuman treatment. We won’t be subjected to an unproductive environment that demeans our very existence. For too long we have moiled and toiled, sweated blood, and sold our souls for the common good of no one other than The Man. It is time for a change.

I see the rights ascribed to the worker by this fine country. They are pasted on the breakroom walls.

We demand those RIGHTS!

No longer shall we be ignored, broken, and pushed aside.

We demand PROPER WORKING CONDITIONS!

We demand FAIRNESS!

We demand JUSTICE!

We demand that the coffee maker be fixed before we return the office!

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Okay, forget all that other stuff and please, please, please fix the coffee maker. PLEASE!

20 Questions for Vegas

October 14, 2015.Reading time 4 minutes.

My wife and I spent the weekend in Vegas, BABY!

It’s not what you think. We aren’t really the Vegas type. There was a charity event we were invited to attend and it was filled with lovely people doing amazing work. That part of our trip was truly a beautiful experience.

Our First Red Carpet... ever! — Our First Red Carpet… ever!

Other parts were more alarming to my sense of dignity. In fact, I wondered how the people we met at the event reconciled their existence in Las Vegas with the rest of what I saw until I was told that the average citizen never goes down to the strip unless they work there. It may be the reason for the city, but it is also the reason residents avoid the city.

Despite all of its perverse charm, the people watching in Las Vegas is exquisite. So many questions churn in the mind as you take in the experience. In no particular order, I present my top 20 questions:

Dear old man, what is the allure of playing slots alone the entire hour my wife and I are eating lunch?
What must I do to get my bathrobe put in a rotating display case in a casino?
To the kid with the cardboard sign, Help Me Buy Weed – do you think we all didn’t see that on the internet and if you have a connection, why do you need my change?
Who shops at Victoria’s Secret… in the airport?
Vegas fashion
Can you make one retail store without slot machines?
To the parents playing blackjack while their two children slept in strollers… Really?
How can I pay a cabby when all of your ATM’s only dispense $100 bills?
How many regrets come out of the tattoo parlor in the hotel/casino lobby?
If you could harness the collective ego of the young men strutting down the strip, could you power the entire city?
Young ladies, are the hotel lobbies really the suitable place for you to audition to be showgirls?
They make the women tall in Vegas
How many psychologists specializing in ways to pull money out of my pocket are employed by the city?
What happened to the cheap food and free buffets?
Did the drunk buying diamonds for his wife, girlfriend, or current table partner at the jewelry store in the casino lobby really think his purchase through?
Is the richest guy in Vegas a casino owner or a plastic surgeon?
I never thought I’d be able to cross “selfie with a lady wearing a kiddie pool” off my bucket list.
How were normal-looking, middle aged people still living the night before when we were checking out to catch our red-eye flight home?
Is an ill-fitted, expensive dress really fashion or is it just another in a long list of poor choices?
If you need that many security guards, are you running a casino or a debtors prison?
Is a Vegas hotel lobby at 5 am the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse?
When do they clean anything in a casino?
Did I just pass Elvis at the Bellagio fountains?