The Dirty Kitchen Apocalypse Theory

I made a discovery amidst my family’s unfortunate new reality. Since I am not a genius, I am sure most of you already knew what I just found out. However, it solved a long-standing conundrum for me.

I’ve been doing the dishes in my domicile for about a decade. There are two reasons and both pertain to my lovely wife. First, her hands get dry and cracked sometimes after she washes dishes. It isn’t a big deal to pitch in and do something, so I figured I could help AND save money on expensive lotions. The second reason is that she said I never looked sexier than when I’m elbow deep in soap suds. If that ain’t reason enough, I don’t know what is.

We have this long running argument about the necessity of some pots, pans, and utensils to the cooking process. I believe that she has an evil plan to soil every dish we own – thus my dirty kitchen apocalypse theory. She discounts my hypothesis and doesn’t seem to care anyway. I still maintain that chocolate chip cookies shouldn’t require seventeen items to make. Yet every time I smell them cooking, I know I have seventeen new items to wash.


All of that leads to today’s brilliant finding. She had been at the hospital with our youngest for two weeks. It has been a rough stretch with me playing Mr. Mom. Thanks to the generosity of others,  I have yet to cook (a fact that makes my other daughters very happy since my culinary expertise doesn’t extend past piling things on bread.) I noticed during the last few days that I didn’t have many dishes to wash at all. Bonus!

We finally got to bring our sick baby home this week and, lo and behold, within an hour the sink was full of dirty dishes. Nothing could dampen the joy of the reunion, but I admit I was slightly peaved. So I playfully confronted the offender with the revival of my dirty kitchen apocalypse theory.

My lovely wife didn’t flinch, just laughed and waved me off.

“But I haven’t washed this many dishes in two weeks,” I complained to her back as she walked away.

“You have to cook to make dishes,” she replied over her shoulder.

Ahhh, so that explains it.

And off I go to fill the sink with suds, hoping she’ll take notice.


photo credit: Mysid (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons


27 thoughts on “The Dirty Kitchen Apocalypse Theory

  1. Your family life with all of its drudgery marches on. How great is that???? 😃😃😃
    Fyi get a dishwasher.

  2. I am sure you are appreciated more than you know. My son’s main house chore growing up was washing pots and pans. His sister loaded the dishwasher. One night I came home from work and could not find a pot or pan top cook in. Nobody knew what happened to them. Then I found a mound of fresh dirt in the back yard the next day. Yes. My son had buried them all to keep from washing them. Seems like an awful lot of work he went through, but I think he thought he would only have to do it once.

  3. I have noticed a definite link between people who cook but don’t wash up and the amount of pots and utensils used. My sister in law has the same trait but she is a great cook, so the washing up is worth it.

  4. I’m still wondering about the sharp knives in our household. They’re all always dirty, no matter how often I wash them.
    We aren’t always cooking that much, either.
    Which leads to an addition to your revelation: The more pots, pans, utensils, and dishes you have in your household, the higher the pile in your sink (X minutes) after you’ve finished washing and left the room.
    The only solution, then, is to clear the cupboards beforehand.

    1. On one hand. I like the idea of clearing the cupboards. Excellent preemptive strike. On the other, I do like to eat. So I’m stuck in a problem once again.

  5. When I was a boy, I begged my mom to let me wash dishes, like my sisters did. I wanted to be included. Then, gradually I became Satan’s little brother, so full of hatred for all-things-dishes, because I couldn’t get out of doing them now. Lesson: you don’t always want what you ask for. Great story, Mark, and so happy your daughter is home.

  6. This is a great post Mark. I think it’s a law somewhere where it says that the dishes are the man’s job in the house. I know it’s like that here (not that I never do them). But yea, my hubby is the one that does them. He also thinks I make too much of a mess. So then, you don’t use a dishwasher? I am impressed. I thought all people in North America now were using dishwashers. They’re not that popular here in Brazil, however, they are getting more popular. But we try and save water and dishwashers really do waste a ton of water.
    Thanks Mark. Glad to see your baby is home with you guys. I hope she’s well.

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