If You Give a Mouse a Cookie – A Cautionary Husband’s Tale

If you give your wife a gallon of paint, she’ll probably hand you the brush.

When she hands you the brush, she will likely want the bathroom painted quickly.

When the bathroom is painted, she will notice the rust on the shower curtain rod.

Once the curtain rod is new, she’ll say it needs a new curtain.

After the shower curtain is replaced, she will point out that the towels don’t match.

When she buys new towels, she’ll discover the towel holders are old.

In replacing the towel holders, you’ll probably make large holes in the drywall.

After you patch the holes you made, you’ll have to repaint that part of the wall.

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Just when you think you’re finished, you’ll notice you spilled paint on the carpet.

When you scream (potentially a naughty word) in anger, your wife will say “Oh well, we need tile anyway.”

After you tile the bathroom, she’ll mention the toilet doesn’t belong.

When the new toilet is installed, you’ll glare at your betrothed and wonder what she will happen upon next.

Your wife, in return, will peck you on the cheek and say, “This looks good, darling. Come have a seat in your chair. I made you fresh cookies. Want some milk? Oh, and while you’re here, have you seen the state of the den?”

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This cautionary tale is partially fiction. My lovely wife was very satisfied with the paint, shower curtain rod, shower curtain, and towels – after I fixed holes I made in the drywall and may or may not have used a potty word (tree falling in the forest).

Regardless… Husbands – heed the moral of the story:

Don’t ever believe that a gallon of paint promising to be a $25 room refresh will cost only $25!

 

Back off, ladies… He’s taken

Whenever my second grade teacher, Mrs. Kleinstuber wrote on the chalkboard, the loose flesh of her arms flopped around so violently that the children gasped in fear. I started a little gambling circuit and took action on whether she was going to be the first person to be knocked cold by her own arm flab. It never happened, but it would have been monumental.

Also monumental is the day you see your own arm flab flopping when it shouldn’t. Since the past few years haven’t been conducive to maintaining a gym regimen, all of the weights I had lifted revolted and tacked themselves to the back of my arms as very soft tissue. So I started lifting again. The weights are lighter now, but after a couple of months my arms stopped their disgusting jiggle dance. I’ve lost about ten pounds and am getting ready for Speedo weather (although my daughters maintain there is no proper climate for that). Read More