The Rip

Did you hear it?

Not the sound of traffic rolling or the chirping of nature out the window. No, that was a distinct sound. It was a rip. I’m sure it was a rip.

I don’t dare look down. I can’t be positive it was me that ripped. It could have been someone nearby – or if it was me, maybe it was a piece of my shirt. That kind of thing happens all the time.

Shirt tails spontaneously rip when exposed to direct light. It happens to guys over forty mostly because they don’t ever tuck their shirts in. I think they feel better if the curve of their belly isn’t accentuated. That way, people don’t know they’re wearing a 2XL. Sorry if that is rude. I’ve been there. I know what it is like to wear a 2XL. I don’t want to be mean, but HEY! You’re interjecting yourself into my stream of consciousness and trying to subvert the point. The issue at stake isn’t even whether I tuck my shirts in or not! The issue is whether the sound I heard was MY pants ripping.




I swear they aren’t too small. I’ve never been one of those guys to wear tight jeans. I certainly couldn’t pull off the whole skinny jean thing. Reason number 328 that makes me glad I’m not a girl (#1 being that we guys can pee anywhere). I hate tight pants. Okay, so I’m not dead, I don’t mind them on some people, but there should be a government application you have to fill out before you can wear your pants too tight. Mine would get rejected instantly!


Besides, I hate wearing anything tight or constricting. I remember when I first joined the working world and business casual had not yet become acceptable. I had Walter Mittyesque daydreams about wrestling a bear and being drug around by my necktie. Well, they weren’t actually daydreams, I fell asleep at my desk often because I wasn’t quite used to being out of college. So I guess they were just dreams.

HEY! There you go again. Stop it!

Will you look down? I don’t want to. I’m afraid.





If you look down, and my pants are ripped, then our relationship could enter a very awkward stage. Our friendship would never be the same. Kinda like when the strainer from the faucet flew off and sprayed water all over my pants. I lost a bunch of friends that day because everyone at work thought I’d peed myself. And when I said I loved that guys can pee anywhere, I wasn’t talking about the break room at work. I was more thinking in the woods. The great outdoors – manly stuff like peeing on trees or a fire.

Who says we have a relationship anyway?

I mean, you won’t even tell me if I have a large gaping hole in my pants… which would be bad. Real bad. Why does it always happen in public? Why not when you get them out of the dryer and you put them on in the privacy of your own home? A rip there would be much more pallatable. More forgiving. I could laugh it off and change clothes without anyone else knowing. But it never happens that way. Pants have a way of telling a story unlike any other article of clothing.

Uh Oh! I feel a breeze – and not a natural breeze unless you live in a special colony or ride a boat and stick your leg up on the side.

Oh well. Here’s to a rip-roaring New Year. Now that we’ve got this embarrassing sequence finished on day 3, maybe we’re covered on humility for the balance of 2015

7 thoughts on “The Rip

  1. Oh This Made Me Giggle Out Loud!!!!! 🙂 We Love Watching Spongebob Sq.Pts When Stephen Is Laying In Bed At Children’s Hospital…Bored To Tears…It Makes Us Giggle, And Not Focus On The Fact That While The Medication And Chemo Is Working For The Joint Swelling And Redness…Stephen Is Still In So MUCH PAIN. So We Watch Those Silly Little Kid Cartoons…And Pretend That Just For That Moment That ALL Is Right In Our Little Part Of The World.
    We Got Your Awesome Books Today…TY So Very Much Mark!! We Started Reading Them Together…So It Shouldn’t Be Long Before Stephen Posts A Review…He Said…”Reading These Books Takes Me Back To When I Wasn’t Sick, And Makes Me Feel Like A Normal Kid Again”…..Not To Mention The FACT That He Is TRULY NOT Really A Kid Anymore…After All My Son Is 19…But Still Utilizes Children’s Hospital Here In Columbus….Because They Know Best How To Deal With His Childhood Diseases.
    Even When My Son Is Not A Patient At The Hospital…He Likes To Go In And Spend Time With Some Of The Kids That Are On The Same Unit That He Always Goes To When He Is A Patient. He Helped Do A Halloween Party Last Fall, And A Harvest Party At Thanksgiving, And He Held A Fundraiser To Raise Money To Buy Gifts To Pass Out Just For The TEENS On The Unit, For Christmas..Because So Often The Different Groups That Bring Gifts For Kids…Forget That Children’s Hospital Also Has Teenagers, And Adults As Well. He Wants The Kids His Age To Know That You Can Get Better…Even If It Is PAINFULLY Slow. My Son Has Also Started An Online Pain Mgmt. Group For Kids His Age As Well. So Often These Kids With Lupus, And Juv. Rheumatoid Arthritis Get In A Mode Of Depression Because On The Outside They Look OK…But Their Insides Are What Is Causing Them So Many Problems…And SOOOOO MANY People Don’t Understand Them…Or Even Bother Trying. My Son Had An Employer That Told Him, “Suck It Up Buttercup, And Take It Like A Man”. Shortly After That My Son Was Found Unconscious Because That Same Mgr Had Not Allowed My Son To Get The Medical Help He So Desperately Needed. Anyway, We Are Now In PT 4 Times A Week, And Massages Every Week, And Biofeedback Therapy Every Week…And Bloodwork To Watch His Liver And Kidneys Every 3 Wks. Not To Mention The Fact That We Have All The Regular Things That We Do As Well!! We Don’t Often Get Everything Done Each Day…But We Do What We Can And Move On..:)
    Hoping You Are Having An AMAZING Week…It Is 7 Below Zero Right Now, And 27 Degrees Windchill…It Is Freezing!!! So We Are Staying INSIDE For The Next 3-4 Days!!

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