Hospital 101 for the Incurably Immature

My girls have grown accustomed to it, but their friends constantly remark on my maturity level, which isn’t high. My personal favorite was a comment from a friend of the eldest, who said, “Your dad is like, 7!” Very true. So with all of the time we are spending at the hospital now, I have developed a list of things my childish mind WANTS to do.

1. Every day we walk past a sleep study area to get to our room. I yearn to yell, beat on the walls, and bang pots and pans to wake everyone up.

2. My daughter has a bright-red diode sometimes hooked to her finger that measures her blood oxygen level. I am literally dying to turn the lights off and stick it in my nose and play Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer. She has told me in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and her word is law right now.

_MG_13173. I want to drape a stethoscope around my neck and diagnose someone. I don’t really want to barge into a room and play doctor. I just want to find someone, take their vital signs, and prescribe rest and that they lose five pounds before I ask for my co-pay.

4. There are so many things to ride around her that it is killing me. With the wide halls and automatic doors, an epic race seems in order. I picture it a little bit like Mario Kart.Operation_Room,_Kitchener_Hospital_Brighton,_searching_for_a_bullet_(Photo_24-7)

5. I want to run out of our room and yell something like, “Code Blue! Stat!” I don’t know what would happen, but everyone seems to fly into a dither on TV.

6. Get a lab coat and join the doctors on their rounds. I could be some travelling expert from Albania and mutter things that make no sense when it is my turn to examine the patient.



I haven’t done any of these things yet. Every time I get a 7 year-old notion, my 46 year-old mind overrules it. Thus far. While this wonderful place heals the sick, there is no hope of them helping me, the incurably immature.


Photo credit: By Alex Proimos (Flickr: The Stethoscope) & H. D. Girdwood


30 thoughts on “Hospital 101 for the Incurably Immature

  1. I’m glad to see that you are keeping you sense of humor through this trial and have enough restraint not to do any of the above. You and your family are covered in prayer. Peace!

  2. You have to wonder about what drives our inner-child. Perhaps the little guy is trying to make up for all that time he spent wishing he were an adult.

    I hope all goes well. The hardest part about being a parent is worrying your children.

    1. I think I listen to the inner child a little too much. Fuel the fire, so to speak. It is tough, but we are smiling through. She is home for a while and seems a different child.

  3. Being a parent is one of the hardest jobs on the planet…being a parent whose bead isn’t centered makes it bearable but the children might dispute that point. Ask my kids about their mom 😉

  4. Oh, Mark! I thought we raised you better than that! At least you don’t give in to your “inner child”. Thinking of you and praying for you always!! Love you, Mom

  5. So great! When my son got his pacemaker, two of his nurses were Russian. They were very “Natasha”. I kept falling into their accent and asking for “squirrel and moose”. My son would play along as Bullwinkle. The silliness takes the the white, untouchable, intimidation out of the big hospital. And laughter has a healing power of it’s own. Get your lab coat, maybe a big cigar, and glasses and play Groucho In the hallway. If you get caught, I will send the Keystone Cops.

    1. Oh, the fun I could have. Yes, they do a good job of keeping it light on the wing where it is the darkest. I try to join in, I danced with the cleaning lady today and had my daughter in stitches.

  6. I love how the tell you to reduce the stress in your life and then charge you a $70.00 co-pay! HA! You could get a cardboard box and set it up like Lucy and charge for Psychiatry Services.

    1. Wow, great plan. With my shaved head, I look a little bit like Charlie Brown too.
      Almost done with Red Clay and Roses. Enjoying the pace of it – keeps you reading!

  7. 1. You should do it. It must be boring for the staff to watch sleeping people.
    2. Please post picture when you do this one.
    3.Do try this on one of the nurses. Turn the tables!! Well maybe not the five pounds part
    4.Steal a mattress from an empty bed and slide down the stairwell. Wear a shirt the same color as housekeepers to pull off the mattress snatch.
    5.The automatic response is oh #4@% so don’t do this while young ears are around.
    6. Just lag behind the group, rumple your hair for early rounds. If you only go to one room you could pull this off.

    You could post daily pictures of you in inappropriate cirrcumstances, kind of like a mischievious Flat Stanely.

    Isn’t it wonderful that God created that seven year old sense of humor in you? I find I am at my most silly when I am in the most stressful of situation. I thank God for the gift of laughter.

    1. These are some great ideas. I was told that the sleep study is very tenuous and waking them up would be incredibly cruel. So I don’t want to do that…mostly.

  8. Laughter is the best medicine. Piece of advice, this is what I did when I was in the hospital bed. Have them put the stupid finger thing on a toe. It takes a lot of tape to do it, but it frees up your hands. I may have been on heavy duty drugs and sleeping most the time, but I still wanted to do things with my hands, and that thing is always in the way!

    1. They don’t keep it on her very much of the time and I don’t think she minds it on her hand. Mostly sleeps while there. She just doesn’t want me using it in that way. One of these days…

  9. Mine finger monitor was on 24/7 for a month, along with several more horrible things they were doing to me. My nurses were wonderful and kept me laughing. I kept mooning them. Got to love those hospital gowns!

    Go ahead and play. As a patient I know that things were easier when we kept it light!

    The T.V. has a DVD player. Rent funny chick flicks!

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