I’ve been duped. Tricked. Lied to. Taken for a ride to disappointmentville by a fancy I’ve held for years. In reality no one told me a falsehood. Like most times I find myself disillusioned, I did it to myself. A starry-eyed dreamer, I tend to put things onto such a pedestal that once attained, they can’t measure up to expectations.
Who can forget the Chia Pet of the 70’s that I saved and saved for. Don’t even get me started on sea monkeys. I had such high aspirations for them after seeing them on the back page of Mad Magazine. The promise of joy died quickly because the only time they moved was when I shook them out of the bag into their simulated habitat. Ant farms, the bass guitar, a shiny pastel jacket that I thought would be an absolute chick magnet. I was amazed when I found that on the discount rack and wore it proudly to school with my sleeves pushed up, only to find that the world had moved past Crockett, Tubbs, Miami Vice, and the style I flaunted. That first new car I had to have post-college before I understood the stranglehold sixty easy payments could be. I won’t even mention women of my youth, like Hilda* the friendly barkeep. For a foolish lad, women are the most dangerous sort of thing to deify.
I could go on. There have been a litany of things I prized – nah, idolized – right up until I got my grubby mitts on them.
And so, now, I am disappointed with baldness. I have always wanted to shave my head but been dissuaded by my lovely wife, who likes hair on my head, but not on my chin. If you recall my rant about Tom Selleck, I have never truly been satisfied with my hair. Current circumstances gained me quick approval to remove it and I did so excitedly.
I don’t like it and here are my grievances:
1. I always assumed it would be low maintenance. It is not. To my dismay, the hair on my head grows as fast as the hair on my chin. Who knew?
2. I thought it would save money – no shampoo, conditioner, or gel. See complaint number one, razors aren’t cheap and every shave seems to chew through one.
3. Who knew the skin under my hair was even pastier than the rest of me? I’m told paint stores can mix approximately 140 shades of white, welcome to Pure White.
4. When I was twelve, my football team had to get me an adult helmet, then pad the sides because my cranium was so long. Any time I hit someone, the thing wobbled side to side. Head shapes don’t change, they just expand. Let’s play a little game, shall we? I like to call it:
“Which one is Mark’s head?”
♦
Surprisingly difficult, is it?
So you can see why I’m disappointed. Like most broken things in my life, I have no one to blame but myself. I lifted baldness onto a throne it simply cannot occupy. Fortunately, I can grow my hair out to fix this monstrosity…but not quite yet. Part of me feels a little like a rebel since this has been against the marital rules for so long. And that, I like.
A Generous Helping 
I have now had my morning chuckle! Mad Magazine 🙂 My brother and I used to collect those.
Spy Vs Spy was my favorite! I had a ton of those and like so many things, I wish I had thought to keep them.
I think I still have a box set of Mad Magazine that was sold on floppies. Need to find it and then get it converted to DVD
Haha! Floppies. How in the world would you convert those anymore? I didn’t know they sold them any way but paper.
I got the set back when floppies (or maybe they are hard floppies gotta find the box first) were all there was.
My husband tried it for six month and let it go for the same reasons. Let’s just say it was…comical!
I guess on the positive side, your husband and I have a choice.
True! 🙂
Too funny! Don’t get sunburned while you are hairless! That is the pits. My husband tried the razor until he got burned, then went to the #2 comb on the shears. He did that for me, I am partial to bald men.
I have been careful, but I could use a little color up there.
Oh, Mark! You’re luckier than you know. At least you get to grow all of your hair back; my “shores” have receded beyond beauty. If a clean cut isn’t necessary, an Andis T-Outliner will make you happy for years–promise. Too bad you can’t keep the facial hair; it’s more distinguishing anyway. I wish I had your hair “problems”, except the head. (Well mine is vertically long, so…)
Haha. Yeah, I’m used to my toaster head. It makes buying hats tough though.
Haha! Now that’s funny!
Hahahahaha. Funny how we always want what seems unattainable. And then when we get it, it totally loses it’s luster.
🙂
It’s true..but my head has luster right now!
Keep your hair Mark. It takes much longer to get it back to your “new normal” than you think and it’s ugly for some time.. Lol at least it appears you still have quite a bit of hair.
Yes, I realize that I am not a pretty bald man. I plan to grow it back when she wants me to. Not quite yet, though.
I have very little on the top of my head. For awhile I took the top to nothing. I always hated it. When I decided to grow it back I almost slept in my cap. It took almost 3 months. Lol.