You can tell a great deal about a blogger by recurring themes in their writing. Obviously, Kylie is my most recurringest topic – followed closely by fabricated words and coffee. I’m not really a coffee snob, but I like my coffee bold and black. No frilly creams or flavors for me.
One of my favorite things to do is sit in a Starbucks and watch grown men order a Frappuccino like a giggly teenager.
“I’ll have a half-caf frap with soy, an extra shot, caramel drizzle, one-pump, no-whip…”
Don’t even get me started on macchiato, whatever that is.
I like to pound on the bar like a caveman and grunt, “Dark coffee!”
When they ask what size I give crazy eyes and hold my hands as wide apart as possible because it hurts to even say vinte…
A barista once she informed me that I could use their code by saying, “vinte bold, no air.”
Sorry cupcake, I’m a man.
All of this leads me to this morning when I realized I had run out of coffee.
Dear God, No!
A look out of the window to make sure a zombie apocalypse hadn’t happened overnight. A quick bed check told me that my wife and children were still here so the rapture hadn’t left me alone (I figure they are shoe-ins and I’m 50/50).
Oh, the horror!
But wait, I found a sample package of something called French Vanilla Almond Roast. Looks like coffee. Smells kinda like coffee. Most importantly, it is all we’ve got at 5 am.
So I brewed a pot. After two cups, I’m worried. First, I don’t like it one bit. It isn’t near bitter or harsh enough for my taste. With the vanilla flavor it resembles the taste of a stale cookie.
More importantly, I think I’m changing. I feel my masculinity being stripped away from me one swig at a time. I found myself discontent with my earthenware mug because it just isn’t pretty. I am usually very mellow in the morning, but I rolled between angry and weepy as I recounted each and every conversation I had yesterday and wondered what they truly meant by what they said.
SHIFT – Think man thoughts!
I began reading an article about my beloved Atlanta Falcons just to bring myself back. Focus on my big questions: Will they have a rushing attack? Will they be able to get pressure on the quarterback this year?
I can’t focus! I really just wanted to know if my butt looks big in these shorts, which is impossible to answer sitting down.
Am I experiencing some form of PMS or might I be ovulating?
This is madness! I quit turning circles in front of the mirror, dumped the rest of the coffee in the sink and committed to buying twenty bags of dark roast as soon as the store opened.
As God as my witness, I will never let this happen again.
And by the way, I wore the longest t-shirt I own to the store because my butt did kinda look big in those shorts…