Outed!

We all have little secrets – skeletons in our closet that we don’t want revealed. Some of us are hiding mouse-sized skeletons and some can barely keep the door closed because of the behemoth bones crowding every square inch of our tiny coat closet. My bag of bones burst through the door last weekend and it wasn’t pretty. I got outed.

I’ve always maintained that I’m not bright enough to keep a secret for very long – which turned out to be true. No one would have to waterboard me to get me to bare it, I would just let something slip in casual conversation that gave away whatever I was trying to hide. With most people, I have been able to stay quiet and hold my secret inside. But not in front of my family – to be quiet in front of them is suspicious in and of itself. But this time I kept my mouth shut! Even though it gnawed away at me, I stayed quiet and they still found out. Now they are judging me.

There is always a paper trail. Nothing can stay secret forever. In today’s digital age, someone always has a camera ready. I cannot describe how glad I am that video cameras, cell phones, and GoPros weren’t invented when I was young – especially during my college years. I have the distinct feeling that I would have played the lead in a viral video that showed either my legendary stupidity or poor judgement.

It is this technology that busted me. As Thomas Dolby once predicted, I was blinded by science. It’s really not fair. I’m old, things escape me. I am a man content with three channels living in a world of endless data, wifi, and TV on-demand.  Apps have funny names I can never say the same way twice, the cloud is an unintelligible concept, and I need teenagers to teach me how to use my devices. It’s getting hard to keep up.

It all started with a free app – a little puzzle game involving dots that my kids play. One day, they invited me to play with them and being the old man typically left out of their reindeer games, I gladly joined. The makers of this app release thirty frustrating levels at a time and hook you by designing some that are nearly impossible unless you buy their bonus lives. The kids are on level 660 together. I had fought through the challenges and resisted the urge to buy anything… until recently. I had to do it. I have reached a point in life where I actually make money and it is sometimes more economical to plunk down .99 rather than tearing my hair out – forcing me to spend my hard earned cash on things like Rogaine or Propecia. So I did. I paid for it. It was on my phone, my iTunes account. Who would know, right?

Wrong!

The paper trail. I forgot about the paper trail. Stinking iTunes doesn’t email receipts right away. Apple is the one company that can scoff at customer service and still make gobs of money. So after a couple of days of dust had settled on my little .99 technological breach of trust and I thought I was in the clear, mom noticed a poorly-timed email and asked, “Who paid .99 for lives in an app?”

Like a cut-rate insurance company I went into denial mode, but they knew. It was out. I was outed by the digital footprint of an iTunes email receipt. My 660 levels are now illegitimate according to my children and they are also doubting everything I’ve ever told them.

If only I could keep up with this crazy, digital world!

If only I had pushed through level 578!

If only Apple emailed receipts right after you buy something like everyone else does!

 

But there is no going back. I’m out now.

Hi. My name is Mark… I paid for bonus lives on a free app.

 

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27 thoughts on “Outed!

  1. Bwahahahaha! I love it! I always say I’m not gonna pay for lives but sometimes…they get ya!
    Much love!
    Janet

  2. You cannot imagine how much I need a smile this morning ~ but you came through anyway. Not a disaster in the mortal’s normal way of thinking. But a wedding for our daughter (our only child) on May 21 and yesterday due to inconsistencies I had to find a new caterer. This morning at 6:00 a.m. (AL time) I am having to re-do things for the singers. My daughter who is normally “God’s Woman Incarnate” is all of a sudden melting under the overload. These are just minor to what I normally go through with Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, etc. Severe Allergies diagnosed in November and Diabetes in January. These are not necessarily bad things. The 20 years of FB and CF, etc. have brought me closer to God and my family than I ever would have gotten otherwise (Christian since age 7). The allergies answered a 4 year old question of rashes and yuck sores on my arms and back, etc. And I started (glory be to God) much needed to lose weight getting off all food and products (haha). Then in January, the diagnosis answered a two year old question of extreme lethargy that no one would listen to. When I got started on the medicine, about a month in, everything has improved, including more weight loss! YEA! You will think I am crazy but I am so grateful to God for these diagnoses because they have caused me to improve my lifestyle and am immensely trusting in him to help me with my health. The youth of you and your family is a much needed formula to my soul. Going with you through your journey has made me relocate to someone else’s needs. My love of Kylie is unexplainable to the mere human because I never got to meet her here, but barring some natural disaster, my age will get me to Heaven before you. When I get there and meet Jesus, I know she will be right there. And I am going to run to her and put my arms around her and tell her what a difference she made in my life, even at her tender age. Her command to her family of “killing cancer” has swept over to me. I have something to fight for as long as I live. I follow you and The Truth 365 for my “walking papers” each day. I will forever do anything asked of me by Kylie’s Dad! I want to see an end to the disease in my lifetime, so that I can share that celebration with Kylie here on earth and in certainty when I get to Heaven. Please never stop sharing your family and Kylie with us. Many of us, whether we let you know or not, are different people because of you,your wife, and girls.Forgive me please, I am not sure why you have to listen to this, even if you are still reading ~ but Melody, Ed and I could certainly use some prayer………

    1. That is incredibly kind of you. We plan on continuing to post and keep Kylie’s memory alive. In fact, we hope to have some big announcements this summer! Stay tuned.

      I’m sorry for the stress and issues you’ve had and will certainly be lifting you up. Glad I could provide a momentary relief.

  3. Hahaha! Too funny , alright buddy that’s cool. Not like I haven’t done something similar. Oh and I am staying in the closet with my pink elephants. Really good Mark.

    Peace

  4. Hi Mark, I hope your confession at your counseling session cleared your conscience and you’re now able to move forward! 🙂

  5. Mark, One day, I read your post, reply through eyes clouded with tears, the picture of your wife and your 4 darling daughters just captured my heart!!!
    Then tonight I read your post, laughed out loud a few times and thought, Mark Myers is a master of writing. Your writing can be light hearted and funny. It can also squeeze the heart and show the reader exactly the unfairness of life. Thank you for giving us both. All your writing leaves me thinking, you and your wife are truly fabulous parents to all your daughters.
    I carry with me the words, three here and one home.

    Margy

      1. Mark, Each of your blogs teach this valuable lesson! Everything you write is so beautifully said, that I feel, I know Kylie and your family. Finding your blog was one of life’s gifts, that I know was sent to treasure.

  6. Love how frugal you guys are! Maybe you should run for president and get us out of 18.2 trillion debt we are in! I would vote for you! This post reminds me of my life in Former Yugoslavia- you literally did not spend a dime unless you had to. Thank God those days are over:-)

  7. You would do great. You could just make jokes against everyone and everything like Trump offends and save us some cash and spend it on pediatric cancer research!

  8. You see, it’s a post like this to make me feel not alone.

    I, too, have paid for extra in a free app. There’s nothing worse than getting beat at Yahtzee by someone named “boozer423A”

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