Christmas in the Key of Moron

There are so many worthy causes out there. Sometimes people gravitate towards them because of a heartfelt compassion and sometimes causes are forced upon us due to condition or incident. And some people are just morons. I’m sorry, I don’t use derogatory words like that to describe people very often and I’ve tried to use to soften it. But when it applies, it just applies.

Of all the good causes that exist, a couple has decided that the flirtations of the song, Baby It’s Cold Outside infers sexual predation and must be stopped. So they’ve updated it with cheesy lyrics to emphasize the importance of consent.


As the father of daughters and just as a man, I am all for consent – no means no. But this is just stupid. Have they listened to the filth pounding through the airwaves these days? We have to use E ratings now because the language is dramatically worse than any lyrics from the 40’s and I doubt any young men are modifying their dating behavior because of a seventy year-old Christmas song that may or may not imply nefarious action.

This is tantamount to slapping grandmother for saying “Fiddlesticks!” Worry about your own generation and leave the Golden Girls alone – go rewrite Kanye!

I won’t post a link or mention their names because that would perpetuate stupidity and prolong their fifteen seconds of fame – which will go away unless they can write original material. But C’mon Man! Seriously?

If you are going to pick apart Christmas traditions, let’s start with the granddaddy of all social faux pas, The Twelve Days of Christmas. The PETA people should be furious when they consider the capture and gifting of twenty birds. What kind of living conditions would that make when your just throwing birds day after day at someone who is unprepared to accept them? Did his true love have abundant, free-range space for all of the calling birds and geese a-laying? A pond for the swans a-swimming? There isn’t even a mention of giving any feed! Did each one come with a lifetime supply? This, my dear morons, is fowl play.

Worse still, the song intimates the forced enslavement of fifty people when you consider the unfortunate gifting of maids a-milking, lords dancing, lords a-leaping, pipers piping, and drummers drumming. Holy cow – how can we live without knowing if they could break free from this tyrannical gift-giver? Did they stage a revolt on day thirteen?

This is something that plagues humanity!

But seriously – forget global poverty, the environment, animal extinction, the refugee crisis, and the AIDS epidemic. They will resolved themselves. Thank you for taking on this weighty cause. We’re all better with you spending your energy and efforts to rewrite lyrics to an old song because this is what will save mankind.

Go back to living off the grid and munching organic kale in your mini-house. We will keep the heat running out here in the real world because Baby, it’s Cold Outside.

19 thoughts on “Christmas in the Key of Moron

  1. I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! I heard about this and thought, “Refugees starving in Syria and THIS is what they choose to focus on?” The “key of moron” — I’m using that, Mark. My new favorite phrase!

  2. There are too many singing in the “key of moron.” Thank you for calling them out. (hehe) I would much rather you keep on frying your kettle of fish. We’ll try to stave them off if they start bothering you! Just sing out in your key of worthiness.

  3. Always think this says it all about the “protectors” of decency. Always seem to have their heads in the gutter. Always tarnishing innocence with guilt. Thank you for shining a light again.

  4. Years ago on another blog, I made a fun computer animated video (from a now defunct site, so it’s lost forever) for that song. The woman was singing from inside a cage. The part that really bothers me about that song is that she has to go out in the cold! The nosy maiden aunt also bugged me.

  5. Yes, Mark it really IS cold today!

    I always loved that song (and still do!) and get a kick out of the various duets that perform it year after year though I still enjoy Steve and Eydie’s version best of all.

    As for the key of Moron, it definitely fits and they seem to have multiplied in number! And I thought I wasn’t using my time wisely…

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