Our family sometimes takes a sabbatical and enjoys church at the zoo. While we acknowledge the value of corporate worship, there’s nothing like a Sunday together amongst the beasties.

When we scheduled it for this coming Sunday, I decided that the thing missing from Zoo Church was the singing. So I informed my family that I intended to write a hymn for Zoo Church – which elicited their typical reaction to my proclamations: ridicule and scoffing.

The jokes on them! True to my word, I humbly submit the Zoo Church Anthem, wittingly entitled Zoo Church (alternative title: Where Penguins Waddle and Gorillas Pee). I’m looking for a composer to add the music to my lyrical genius, so if you know anybody.

There are many things you cannot learn
In a sanctuary filled with pews.
Some things can only be observed 
Where shiny, happy keepers shovel poo.
 
Rise and shine kids, it’s a beautiful day.
Wipe that gunk from your eyes.
Instead of wearing your finest clothes
Mom and dad have a special surprise.
 
Zoo Church, Zoo Church 
We’re headed out to Zoo Church
Noah knew there’s so much to see
Where the penguins waddle and gorillas pee
 
At Zoo Church we learn about friendship 
While the animals frolic happily.
As long as you don’t mix predator with prey
Because that would be bad (and possibly bloody.)

Mr. Tortoise bumps shells with his mate,
Cranes his neck and makes funny noises, too.
Mommy turns red, and daddy just laughs.
Sometimes it’s awkward when you go to the zoo.

But better friends could we ever find
Than the monkeys who sit in the grass.
They pick the fleas off their comrade’s back.
And even probe their buddie’s…      (backside).
            (with a stick no less, and yeah, they eat that too.)

Zoo Church, Zoo Church 
We’re headed out to Zoo Church
Noah knew there’s so much to see
Where the lions roar and elephants pee (a freakin’ river)
 
The children at Zoo Church often say strange things
like Uncle Eddie when he comes home drunk.
“Why are those lemurs wresting?” they say,
And “does that elephant have two trunks?”

• 

• 

Since Adam made up some jolly good names
Dad gets to speak without being crass.
There’s a hellbender, a dik-dik, and a naked mole rat,
But the best is the Somali Wild Ass.
                          Somali Wild Ass  (Sung in Queen-style harmony)

We’re going down to Zoo Church
To see the wild animals God made.
There’s so much to learn about nature and things
If you can overlook that they’re stuck in a cage.